Who's Got The Funk?

I am an amateur guitarist, and I've got no funk. My musical skills seem to lacking that special something. Great musicians have it. Those fortunate enough to have gotten hold of it, create timeless hits. While musicians without it fade into oblivion.

After spending hours searching through Blues history websites and 1970's band documentaries online, I discovered what that special something is thank to a (70% Man, 30% fish) character from the BBC show "The Mighty Boosh" named Old Gregg. He identified that thing as The Funk! But what exactly is The Funk? Here is some dialogue from the show to help explain its origin and purpose:


Old Gregg: You're a musician, yeah?
Howard: Yes I am.
Old Gregg: Butchya ain't very good, are ya?
Howard: I'm one of the best in town.
Old Gregg: Come on, I read your reviews. Hmm? You know what your problem is?
Howard: What?
Old Gregg: Ya ain't got the funk. You're all rigid. Hmm? You're like a breadstick. You got no rhythm.
Howard: Yeah, well I've heard all this sort of stuff before thank you.
Old Gregg: Well maybe I could help you. I got the funk.
Howard: Yeah I know, you're very funky Gregg.
Old Gregg: No, no. You don't understand. I mean, I got the funk, right here. It's in this box.
Old Gregg: You see the funk is a living creature. It's about the size of a medicine ball, but covered in teets. Came from another planet. Landed on Bootsy Collins' house. Back then Bootsy was just a simple farmer, but he took one look at all those mold titties and lost his mind. He began to milk the funk. Made himself a funk shake.

(Old Gregg continued): He began to feel fizzy inside. He found he could see around corners. Suddenly, he passed out. But when he came to, baby he was slappin' a bass guitar fast and loose like some sort of delirious funky priest. Two months later, he was world famous with his band Parliament, and everybody wanted a piece of the funk. *Rick Whiteman, even the Bee Gees. One day, Parliament were traveling on the mothership, foolin' around with the funk, when George Clinton, kicked the funk clean overboard. And that was July the 2nd, 1979, the day the funk died. Two weeks later, I found the funk, in bed with a conga eel. At first I thought it was a sea *anemone, but under closer inspection I realized it was a funky ball of tits from outerspace. I offered to take him back to Parliament, but he said he was done with dat sh*t, and that they never listened to him anyway, and were only interested in his funky bra juice. . . (dialogue credit)

If you care to visualize this classic monologue, you can find it on YouTube: Last 3/4 of the Video - After watching that, and you still haven't hit your "inappropriateness" threshold, the first part of this video was too inappropriate to post. (If you must see it, click HERE.)


So, mystery solved!  We now know what the funk is. But now, I am left to find it. Any suggestions?


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Listening to: The Bee Gees - Disco Inferno