Tuesdays with Muerte

Rejection lines women use, plus their "between the lines" translations. 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing kid in 'Deliverance.') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (Did you fight in Korea?) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending too much time around me or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the m...

Last night, while I was swimming at 24 Hour Fitness, a basketball player laid down on the gym floor and stopped breathing. No pulse either. His heart allegedly STOPPED! Underwater, I didn't hear the announcement over the intercom requesting anyone with CPR training to report to the gymnasium. I didn't see what was going on until my eye was caught by the flashing ambulance lights in the outside parking lot. It turns out that the guy in the hot tub heard the call to serve and ran to apply his lifeguard training. I was relieved to hear later from the lifeguard that "it all comes back to you when you are under pressure." What made the story more interesting, was that on the way out of the gym I was told a different first-hand account of the incident from one of the gym's employees. She claimed to have been the one to have performed CPR on the victim. Her story was much more convincing. She actually described the ball players who stood helplessly by, b...

I have outlined a few guidelines that will help you make it through the final months of your pregnancy: 1. NO Reverse Dives with Twists. 2. NO "Excessive Drinking" 3. NO Revealing Too Much about the Pregnancy 4. Absolutely, Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, should you go Breakdancing. 5. NO Loud Noises Bonus: In the immortal words of Ignacio, the Legendary Luchador from Nacho Libre, "Mucho-take-it-easy!"

No one I asked wanted to go to the BYU women's Tennis match today at 3pm against USU. They all thought it would be too boring. One guy was like, "Tennis makes me dizzy; all I do is try to watch to ball go back and forth over the net, and a lot of the time, I lose track of it anyway." Well, all I could say to that was, "I guess Tennis isn't for everyone." Here are TOP 5 reasons why I appreciate watching women's tennis: 5. They give away free tennis merchandise (like tennis shorts) throughout the match to the handful of fans that attend. 4. There is typically FREE pizza and donuts served at all the matches. 3. The caliber of play is high for both the men's and women's teams. (Unlike College basketball, where it is actually painful for me to sit through a women's basketball game.) It is exciting to watch players who perform at a level that is higher than I could compete at. 2. I feel like a contributing member of the BYU ...

Careful guys; only continue reading if you are prepared to be demoralized. I honestly missed all but the final question. Just relax and answer as quickly as you can. 1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to mess up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? 2. If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? You're not very good at this, are you? 3. Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 ... Add another 1000 . Now add 20...

Sometimes artistic creativity strikes at weird times. I wrote this love song in the middle of Sacrament Meeting last week. As far as I remember, it had nothing to do with what was going on at church. I don't remember exactly who was speaking; it was either my friend, Kristen, who spoke on how gospel-living yields happiness or it was something that my former home teacher, Brian Zundel, said regarding charity. I know these lyrics are pretty cliché and mushy, but I had to get it out. If you would just say, "yes" I would fall in love today Unearth my roots and plant them close to yours If you would say "yes" to me I'd leave my doubts behind I would give my life to fill your heart with joy But time drags us apart on relentless waves bound for different seas Only now, now that we're apart,  I understand why Friendship plagued our seeds of love You could not let your heart be free As long as your sister still loved me… So do we wait this out, or should ...

5. SNL Palin Couric Interview Many of you have seen the various Sarah Palin skits run by SNL during the 2008 Presidential Debates. The entire series was hilarious. This one link is just a sample to the phenomenal acting done by Tina Fey. Sarah Palin herself even admitted to watching with no-volume and thought that the interpretation was spot on! Did this interview parody remind you of another viral video from 2007. 4. Bert and Ernie try their hand at Gangster Rap. This video remix does not have any harsh or wanton content, but like Cleanflix videos, the fundamental feeling that accompanies the content does remain. (You might enjoy it anyway). 3.5 When Tom Cruise became a Scientologist , I realized that he was, in fact, just an actor and not, as I had imagined him, a top-secret American CIA Agent. Scientology's pedagogy is acclaimed by it's members to be natural and intuitive. Those who are presented with these principles should feel the truth of the knowledge t...

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn When I went to sleep the night of my birthday, my Rembrandt looked like this; it was centered over my bed. I slept well. The next morning, when I awoke, I rolled out of bed and and hurriedly dressed and got out the door for an appointment I had up at BYU with Matthew O. Richardson. Surprisingly enough, I didn't bumped my heels on the glass of the framed poster that was propped up against the side of my bed. I didn't even notice it until I returned home from campus. When I first saw it there, I immediately reached for my camera and snapped this picture. I thought, if my room were to become a crime scene, I would have evidence. If there were no crime, at least it would be a good pic for my blog. Here are some of my thoughts as I put the camera away : --Why is my picture of the ground? Is it scratched? No; it must not have fallen. --Did someone play a practical joke on my during the middle of ...

A Review of the Movie, City of Ember -- In a word: "What?" City of Ember is the most pointless movie about a dystopian world of complacent workers OF ALL TIME. Even similar films based on novels like, Brave New World, 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 had a point. Each attempted to say something about society, our place in it, and the level of government control over us. City is simply a kids' sneak-peak into the world of insignificance and disappointment that inevitably awaits them. (Poor Poppy.) The plot of this young adult film adaption is holier than a used target at a special-ops marine shooting range. How did the story begin? What happens to the characters throughout the story? How does the story end? After watching all 95 minutes of City , I still had absolutely no conclusive evidence as to what actually happened during that time. At first, I thought that "The Builders" would explain their dire situation, but they didn't. Then I hoped that the film...

Today, I finished my USU grad school application. I got the final ingredients for my Chinese New Year Dumpling Dinner. I got my hair cut. I was given an extra $5 for selling plasma because it was my birthday week. I scheduled a free teeth cleaning. I scheduled a free chiropractic adjustment. I got City of Ember for free from Redbox. And the day has just begun Here are some Birthday Tributes from my sisters: Noelle Heather You'll have to let me know if you are given access to these blogs through these links. If you do, GREAT. I'll leave them alive for a week or so. ---------------- Listening to: Bryan Tanner - Long Ride (ver 3 Beat)

In an attempt to bond with my new roommate in room #1 of Carriage Cove, John Humphreys, I audited one of his BYU figure drawing classes on Thursday. He'd been inviting me to come, and I'd always been interested in learning more about the fundamentals of drawing. Worried about my stomach, I prepared for the three-hour-long class by eating a PB&J beforehand.  I knew there would only be a 5-minute break between each hour to stretch and use the restroom, if necessary. (Random FYI, John looks pretty, darn identical to Jude Law, but with curly hair.) Unsure of whether I would be welcomed (or not) by the instructor, I introduced myself to him upon entering the classroom on the fourth floor of the HFAC and asked if he would allow me participate in the class for the day. He welcomed me in (and even offered some individual instruction over the course of the evening). I sat down at my easel and took a deep breath. Glancing around the room, I felt comforted that I didn't r...