Tuesdays with Muerte

Introduction In the wake of the volatile response to Elder Holland's recent BYU address , my friend, Melanie Parry-Winkle, shared the following compassionate invitation on Facebook. I took Melanie up on her offer and reached out in a private message. We had a terrific conversation. With patience and gentle curiosity, she helped me articulate some of the tension I was experiencing. She also offered me a deeper appreciation for the experience of those who were feeling hurt and afraid for their safety after Elder Holland's address.  My thoughts then turned to how I could take a step closer to those with different perspectives instead of draw lines in defense of my own views. With her permission, I'll repeat the counsel she shared with me: Excerpt from Our Facebook Conversation Bryan: I've recently been feeling sensitive about my privilege. As a white, cis-gendered BYU grad trying to get a job in the valley, I'm working hard to uncover and publicly acknowledge my bias...

Introduction Note: I originally wrote this circa 2016. It is springtime in Provo and the air is, once again, thick with love. With all of the Especially For Youth (EFY) counselors dotting the BYU campus in their brightly colored polos, I am reminded of a traumatizing, would-be-love story that is finally ripe for serious self-reflection after 10 years. Storytime I worked for EFY in varying capacities for 3 summers (2005-2007). It was one of the most demanding, most satisfying things I've ever done. I used to joke that the pay wasn't great, but the (spiritual) benefits were out-of-this-world. As a 23-25-year-old BYU-Utah undergraduate student, I was beyond my dating prime and feeling serious pressure to be in "wife-finding mode," despite not feeling emotionally prepared for that kind of commitment with another person. In EFY culture, there is an end-of-week relationship tradition observed by both participants and counselors. Although counselors were prohibited (and...

Image source 10 Arguments for Hand Washing Dishes  Immediately After Use 1. SHOWS CHARACTER The habit of handwashing dishes immediately after using them shows personal responsibility and consideration for others.  In the absence of clear dish-doing duties, washing one's own dishes is evidence of strong personal character and respect for others.  It is a mark of social maturity not to assume that someone else will clean up your mess. ( E.g., Necessitating "Your mother doesn't live here" signs.)  It also frees the sink and counters for others to use communal kitchen spaces. ( E.g., it's tough to rinse lettuce in a sink full of dirty dishes.)  It also allows for the re-use of favorite  dishes throughout the day.  2. PREVENTS CRUSTIES Dishes are often more difficult to clean as food hardens on them over time. (E.g., post-smoothie blender.) Even electric dishwashers can struggle to clean dishes that have sat out for more than a few hours. Exceptions to thi...

TL;DR I thought therapy aimed to point out errors in my thinking, but in truth, it was to help me feel okay with my imperfections. Why I Attend Group Counseling Thanks to a recommendation by my department chair, I learned that BYU offers free counseling services to full-time students through the  Counseling and Psychology Services (CAPS) Center  (CAPS). I initially got involved with CAPS because I wanted to understand why I was procrastinating on completing my dissertation. I began receiving individual counseling over a year ago. Soon after that, I found my way to a group class called "Group Processing." Group counseling was uncomfortable for me at first, mostly because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to get out of it. My whole life up to that point had been structured with purpose and explicit guidelines on how to get there. Group Counseling was like surviving an emotional jungle. There were no explicit expectations. It was an aboriginal walkabout while seated.  E...

Finding Roommate Harmony As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, I want to give a shout out to my terrific roommates.  I love the current make up of our house.  My roommates are incredible individuals. However, I think the harmony I feel has less to do with the behavior of others, and more about my own perception of them.  In other words, as I started to change the way I looked at things, the things I looked at changed. I've learned a lot about how to be a good roommate over my past 17 years.  Most of the turmoil I have endured in that time has been caused by my expectations not being met.  (E.g., not doing dishes, breaking the honor code, blasting music at all hours of the night, etc.)  While I'm still far from being a pro at developing positive roommate relationships, here's my observation into my current feeling of success—it's simple: roommates bother me less as I become more loving and accepting of them as people.  Accept that we are dif...

Helping my Circle Leader patch up her radiator (May 23, 2017). What Circles Has Taught Me For most of my life, I've attempted self-improvement from the solitude and safety of my own mind and heart. Being vulnerable can feel scary, even dangerous. Generally, when I am presented with opportunities for growth, my instinctive approach is to pretend I'm stronger than I am or to "armor up" emotionally in anticipation of potential attacks. (I was afraid to truly open up to others for fear that they would confirm my worst fears about myself—that I'm not enough.) However, in helping local families realize their goals of escaping poverty, I also have learned to share my insecurities and receive the motivation and support I didn't know I needed. I've learned from participating in Circles it's that isolation is an unhealthy coping mechanism in the face of conflict, fear, hardship, and other growth opportunities. Instead, healthy growth naturally occurs in an ...

Intro Everyone's heard of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages .  But are you familiar with his equally-important book for relationships,  When Sorry Isn't Enough ? This book, published in  2013,  shares the results of a study describing the five ways people give and receive apologies.  According to the authors, Love means saying you're sorry—over and over again. Real love will be marked by apologies by the offender, and forgiveness by the offended.  The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of the other person and being willing to speak it. When you speak their primary language, you make it easier for them to genuinely forgive you. When you fail to speak their language, it makes forgiveness more difficult because they are not sure if you are genuinely apologizing (p.17).  The Quiz Here's a 20-question, online quiz  (no spam)  designed  to help you discover your apology language. Click the "Start Quiz" butt...

Preface As many of you already know, I just ended an eight-month relationship, which I thought was going to last infinitely longer. Upon returning to the single's  dating pool,   I realized that my stay would be finite, and that I didn't have nearly enough funny dating stories to share with my posterity. This  #datingprobs  post is an attempt to remedy that. Enjoy. The FB Epiphany Three weeks into my return to Tinder dating, I came to another realization—that I wasn't dependent on a dating app to present me with suitable, online-dating prospects. I have a facebook account! Facebook already suggests friends that it thinks I'd be compatible with. So why not leverage this list for dating purposes?!  (Surprisingly, this was the first time the thought of using facebook to  find  friends had seriously occurred to me. Perhaps, I should have thought more about why that was before doing what I did next.)  With fresh eyes, I looked at the...