How a Volunteer Program Changed My Life

Helping my Circle Leader patch up her radiator (May 23, 2017).

What Circles Has Taught Me

For most of my life, I've attempted self-improvement from the solitude and safety of my own mind and heart. Being vulnerable can feel scary, even dangerous. Generally, when I am presented with opportunities for growth, my instinctive approach is to pretend I'm stronger than I am or to "armor up" emotionally in anticipation of potential attacks. (I was afraid to truly open up to others for fear that they would confirm my worst fears about myself—that I'm not enough.) However, in helping local families realize their goals of escaping poverty, I also have learned to share my insecurities and receive the motivation and support I didn't know I needed. I've learned from participating in Circles it's that isolation is an unhealthy coping mechanism in the face of conflict, fear, hardship, and other growth opportunities. Instead, healthy growth naturally occurs in an environment of trust, vulnerability, connection, and commitment to one another. When we lean on one another, we are not only able to overcome life's obstacles but we become better for them.

I remember encountering this idea for the first time as a young man.

“Hardship” In My Early Years

After an especially rough day at Redmond Junior High (near Seattle), I confessed to my dad that life would be so much easier if I were to live a monastic life of tranquility in the Wushu mountains or somewhere equally remote. I fantasized about passing the days practicing kung fu and mastering self-discipline, far from real-world hardships, which were primarily caused by stoopid people (essentially anyone who thought or behaved differently than I did). In response, my wise father reminded me that if I wanted to learn to successfully endure hardship, I could not do so from within a bubble; I would need to "root to sources of light," then "wade upstream." I had no idea what he meant. But his mystic tone was enough to convince me to stop saving my pennies for a plane ticket to China.

Twenty Years Later

My 20s were spent in self-indulgent pleasure-seeking. Every spare minute was spent watching movies, playing video games or sports, reading books, etc. By my 30s, I realized that a life of self-gratification is both insatiable and ultimately unsatisfying. I was a BYU graduate student, raised in an upper-middle-class, socio-economic demographic, and knew very little of what life was like for people outside of my privilege. As a firm believer in the family of God, I felt ashamed that after 30+ years I still had difficulty empathizing with my brothers and sisters that weren't like me. In an effort to avoid pain, I had been running from life's hardships. I was beginning to understand that people weren't stupid; it was only my perception of them that made them seem so. I wanted to learn to see all people with unconditional positive regard. It was time for me to stop hiding and engage with emotional hardship—my own and others'. I decided it was time for me to seek to understand life beyond the comfort of my own video game controller. I wanted to dedicate a portion of my free time to scheduled service in my community.  And so my search for potential service organizations began. 

“Our opportunity as covenant-keeping daughters [children] of God is not just to learn from our own challenges; it is to unite in empathy and compassion as we support other members of the family of God in their struggles.”  

—Carole M. Stephens, LDS Relief Society General Presidency (2012-2017)

My first attempts were to volunteer at soup kitchens on weekends. Unfortunately, those kinds of service opportunities felt too impersonal. Being a so-called good example and showing compassion as opportunities arose felt nice, yet insufficient. I needed to find an opportunity that would allow me to really get to know people.

My Volunteer Organization Criteria:

1. I wanted to serve (and learn from) people who had different life experiences than me (E.g., possibly diverse racial and socio-economic demographics).
2. I wanted my service to actually make a difference in the lives of those I served. (My motives were similar to those expressed by the volunteer couple, Jim & Kim, at minute 5:52 in the video below.)
1. For me, this required those receiving the service to be equal participants/partners in the solution. (I wanted to avoid enablement, which to me means receiving more than someone is willing to do for themselves. Noting that people often contribute in different ways.)
2. The people being served actually wanted my assistance. (I'd heard horror stories, especially from international volunteers, about how unwanted service ultimately failed to help solve the problem being addressed.) 

Discovering Circles of Utah Valley

After earnestly pondering and praying about places to serve, a friend of mine serendipitously invited me to learn more about the local chapter of Circles (a partner of Provo's Community Action). I was initially intrigued by Circle's Bridges Out of Poverty model and goal—to help qualified families earn 200% above the federal poverty level (FPL).  At a training meeting, I learned that successful circles, which are composed of allies (me), coaches (non-profit, full-time employee), and circle leaders (the heads of the impoverished families), figuratively join hands to form a circle of support around the circle leader's efforts.  My job as an ally would entail three main tasks:

1. Invest emotionally, listen, and talk through my circle leader's challenges.
2. Help connect circle leaders with community resources.
3. Help my circle leader set, and be accountable for, personal milestones.  (Typically these goals involve challenges related to transportation, housing, education, employment, life skills, and more along the path.)

After having served 18 months as an ally, I can say, Circles is an amazing program, and I am thrilled to be a part of it.

Conclusion

I am humbled each week by the unique and relentless difficulties faced by so many families living in my community, and not just the ones in poverty. I am grateful for my circle leaders' patience with me as I strive to actualize the following beliefs:

• Hardship is not a direct result of poor choices.
• People are fundamentally the same regardless of life's difficulties.
• Though our challenges and contributions may differ, all lives are of equal worth.
• And as illustrated by the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:27-37), it is often those who extend themselves—sometimes at their own risk—who teach us what it means to truly be a good neighbor. 

I have desperately desired emotional support at certain times in my life. And now, I have been blessed with the opportunity to be that support to others.

If you are interested in opportunities to get involved with Circles in Provo, Salem, or American Fork, here are two great links:

• http://communityactionprovo.org/circles/volunteer/
• https://www.arriveutah.org/circles-initative

—The End—

Practical Strategies for New Volunteer Allies:

• Everybody needs to know the hidden rules. When something feels uncomfortable, it's usually a hidden rule at play.
• Wear your volunteer name tag so others can read it.
• Make a point to say hi to people, by name, outside of your immediate circle to strengthen the larger circle of community.
• During your circle time, allow for relationships to move to a place of trust.
• Keep in regular contact with Circle members.
• Message one another if you can't make it.
• Be flexible.

Additional Life Lessons

I've learned so much through my Circles experience so far—not just about appreciating the day-to-day challenges of a life in poverty, but hard truths about myself as well. Thanks to my friendships at Circles, I have begun to learn that my job is NOT to fix others' problems for them, but simply to be a friend—a real friend.  To me, a friend, more than anything else, is someone who can be counted on in the good times and the bad. Especially in tough times, friends emotionally sit with one another and non-judgmentally listen.

My transformation toward becoming a "true friend" has not been easy. The most challenging part for me is loving people unconditionally. Circles taught me:

1. Something Dr. Brené Brown discusses in her book, Braving the Wilderness: "People are hard to hate close up. Move in." The more I immersed myself in the lives of others, the more my understanding and love for them grew.
2. People will learn to trust you more once you let your own armor down and open up about the vulnerable things in your own life.
3. One person's challenges are a relative cakewalk compared to another's. At first, I assumed that I somehow could do a better job navigating the seemingly endless challenges in my circle leaders' lives than they do. I soon realized that that idea is laughable; I would never exchange my measly problems for theirs.
4. Patience and forgiveness are essential when developing abiding friendships, especially when those relationships are strained. I've made plenty of mistakes in my attempts at friendship. Fortunately, for me, we never gave up on each other. Friends learn from mistakes, move past them, and are closer because of them.