The 5 Apology Languages by Gary Chapman

Intro

Everyone's heard of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. But are you familiar with his equally-important book for relationships, When Sorry Isn't Enough? This book, published in 2013, shares the results of a study describing the five ways people give and receive apologies. According to the authors,

Love means saying you're sorry—over and over again. Real love will be marked by apologies by the offender, and forgiveness by the offended. The key to good relationships is learning the apology language of the other person and being willing to speak it. When you speak their primary language, you make it easier for them to genuinely forgive you. When you fail to speak their language, it makes forgiveness more difficult because they are not sure if you are genuinely apologizing (p.17). 

The Quiz

Here's a 20-question, online quiz (no spam) designed to help you discover your apology language. Click the "Start Quiz" button to begin:

Conclusion

Family and friends, I'd be interested in knowing your results. If you feel comfortable doing so, please share what you've learned so I can get to know you better. #SharingIsCaring

***END POST***

My Apology Results

For those who are curious, my quiz results ended in a dissatisfying, four-way tie. Apparently, I prefer to receive different types of apologies from different relationships, and in different settings. It's ironic that I equally cherish all apology languages except for the one I was taught growing up—Requesting Forgiveness. 

*Flashback* 

When I was caught fighting with a sibling as a child, my dad would sit us down in his home office. There, he would sit with us until we had resolved our problem. My dad taught us a lot of criteria involved in resolving a dispute (allowing us to leave): 

• Preparation — We had to cease and desist any physical entanglements. We had sit upright, calmly focused on the other person. (Our eyes and ears had to be open.) Before beginning we had to respond affirmatively to the question, "Are you ready to listen?" I think one time, when I said "no," I was forced to reach out and hold my sister's hands. That was the last time I said, "no."
• Expression/Absorption — We were both given the opportunity to express/vent our grievances to one another using the following pattern: "When you do (or don't do) X, I feel Y." messages.
• Processing — We were then asked by Dad to express how we imagined the other person felt. (Forced empathy. It was important to recognize the emotional pain before digging into the solution.)
• Feeding Back Response — We then had to repeat back to the other person's grievance to ensure that we comprehended their issue. "I understand that when I do X (not necessarily admitting guilt yet), it makes you feel Y. Is that right?"
• Rebuttal — Once the person felt their emotion and grievance was understood, we were allowed the opportunity to calmly "defend" ourselves if we felt it necessary. (I learned that this phase was much easier, the less I fought.)
• Apologies — Once both parties had taken felt their feelings had been understood and validated, We took turns telling the other that we were sorry that our actions hurt the other person. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you. Will you please forgive me?" (It was tough to get the words just right, especially if we genuinely didn't feel sorry. We were regularly told that our apology was "insincere" and that we needed to "try again." Most commonly, it had to do with the tone of our voices.)
• Finalize — We both had to accept one another's apology by saying "I forgive you." Finally we sealed the apology/forgiveness with a hug. 

This system may sound simple but there were a number of barriers that made it next to impossible for emotionally out-of-control 6-12 year olds:

• Mental barriers — Avoidance of difficult subjects, lack of concentration, premature dismissal of speaker's grievance, mental debating, daydreaming, lack-of-vocabulary dilemma.
• Emotional barriers — Anxiety or stress, anger, fatigue, personal bias.
• Environmental barriers — Pain from physical injuries sustained, hopped up on adrenaline causing faked ADHD, physical distractions, poor physical room arrangements, physical discomfort, poor note taking. (Sometimes we had to write it down if we couldn't verbalize it.)
• General defensiveness.
• Balance-of-power struggle.

That was fun to reminisce.

*/Flashback* 

My guess as to why I don't respond well to Requesting Forgiveness now is because, like Pavlov's dogs, I was conditioned to believe that all requests for forgiveness were compelled and disingenuous. However, I did learn from that experience that there is healing value in offering forgiveness and in the acceptance of apologies, regardless of the offender's sincerity.

5 Types of Apologies

For those interested in my analysis of what each apology language means, keep reading. I'd be interested in what you think.

Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret

For people whose primary apology language is Expressing Regret, an apology is first and foremost emotional. They need to feel that their offender truly feels bad (regretful, guilty, or ashamed) about what they've done. They want to hear the sincerity in the offender's voice. This is a common apology language for people who are in touch with their feelings—yellow, creative personalities—like artists and teens with Tumblr accounts. This apology is often expressed by children as well. Have you heard a kid freak out when they've done something wrong and obsessively repeat, "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" and want to touch and be close to the person they've hurt? Some kids don't grow out of that.

But there's a flip side too. Psychology suggests that many people's primary apology language tends to be the one they find most difficult. Therefore, in this instance, Expressing Regret might also be a common primary apology language for people who experience difficulty communicating emotion.

Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility

Speakers of the Accepting Responsibility apology language want to hear that their offender knows it's their fault. This is as simple as saying "I was wrong." Simple, right?! But as simple as it sounds, many of us just can't say those words. We can say, "you were wrong." We can say, "politicians are wrong." But we can't quite say, "I was wrong." This is a common apology language for people with strong wills and red personalities.

Side note: For a long time, I couldn't fathom why some people felt it was sufficient to say, "my bad, guys!" when apologizing for doing something terrible (E.g., destroying another's rare piece of art). This made no sense to me! But to them, simply broadcasting their guilt legitimately makes everything right in the world.

Apology Language #3: Genuine Repentance

Genuine Repentance is similar to Expressing Regret in that the apology must come from the heart. But it must also come with a promise to change, so that the problem doesn't happen again. For this apology to work, the offended party needs to hear the offender state what he/she will do in the future to prevent the offense from being repeated. This is a common apology language for altruistic people with blue personalities. People who espouse this apology language are more interested in the future well-being of others (the offender and society) than they are about receiving justice for their own grievances. On the flip side of the psychological coin, Genuine Repentance is also popular among people with trust issues—people who have been burned and are hesitant to endanger themselves of being hurt again.

Apology Language #4: Requesting Forgiveness

Requesting Forgiveness is when the person apologizing asks the injured person to forgive them. The offender acknowledges they've wronged the offended, and that forgiveness is needed to repair the relationship. They seek connection. Feeling sorry is something a person does on their own. But seeking forgiveness mends the tear in the relationship.

While a request for forgiveness seems implied in any apology, someone whose apology language is Requesting Forgiveness needs to hear it spoken out loud. Requesting Forgiveness sounds like, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." The offender must bear in mind that a request for forgiveness won't necessarily be granted. And that's okay. Whether or not the forgiving happens is up to the person receiving the apology. Offering forgiveness may take them a little time, especially if an apology is offered immediately after an offense.

This is a common primary apology language for people who "just want to get along" by putting the past behind them—white personalities. Requesting Forgiveness is also employed by manipulative psychopaths who attempt to redirect guilt to the offended party.

Side note: Adults who need to hear the words, "please forgive me," but then refuse to accept the sincere apology and hold it indefinitely over the penitent person are deeply messed-up individuals. They should probably consider therapy.

This is absolutely how I feel when others "rush to forgiveness."

Apology Language #5: Making Restitution

Making Restitution involves rectifying the wrong committed by finding a way to make amends. Sometimes, Making Restitution means doing what's needed to fix what you screwed up. But sometimes you can't unshatter the glass. In those cases, you gotta do something to make up for what was lost. (This may be the most labor-intensive apology language, which to some makes it the most meaningful.)

The best way to make up for an offense depends on the offended person. You have to make up for it in a way that the other person values. E.g., If you say "I'm so sorry. Here is a pair of tickets to a BYU basketball game" to someone who prefers cooking to sports, you're not making amends. Instead, you might try, "here is a pair of tickets to an exclusive sushi-making class at Harmon's Grocery Store in SLC".

Making Restitution is the most logical and impersonal form of apology. People who resonate with this apology language are seen as cold and unfeeling by those who respond well to Expressing Regret. These "Old-Testament-loving" victims seem to care more about universal equilibrium than they do about the relationship itself. (I.e., "Make it right!" or "Feel my pain".) E.g., In formal business relationships, company stakeholders are often more interested in seeking justice on behalf of the company than they are in the welfare and betterment of the offending employee. Whereas in close friendships, those who are offended often resist offers for restitution, telling the offender, "you don't have to do anything for me. (I love you anyway.)"

Conclusion

Once an offender has successfully communicated in the offended's preferred apology language, there's no need to say or do more. At first, I thought it would be a good idea to cover my bases by cramming all these languages into a composite mega-apology, especially if I didn't know the offended well. But then I realized that, more often than not, it would come off as overkill. If the offended person's language has been communicated, nothing else really matters.

However, what should you do if the offended person has multiple apology languages, like me? An appropriate apology mashup may score points in the short-term as it proves that you are sensitive and care enough about the offended person to even be aware of what languages they prefer. However, I'm sure mega-apologies quickly become tedious. Selecting the apology language (of theirs) that you're best at and sticking to it is probably best option. Let the offended person learn to recognize your pattern of sincere apology. (If they're still mad, you probably read them wrong; try a different language.)

Finally, what if you need to apologize to someone you don't know? I find that the following phrase adequately covers all the bases: "what can I do to make this right?"

1. Expressing Regret — If you mean it, they'll feel it.
2. Accepting Responsibility — When you emphasize "I", they'll know you own it.
3. Genuine Repentance — They'll likely just say, "don't do it again." But they'll spell it out for you if they think you need it.
4. Asking Forgiveness *white* — This question is very similar to "will you forgive me?" It could be enough. White personalities are typically eager to forgive anyway.
5. Making Restitution *no specific color* — Even though they probably won't take you up on it, they'll be satisfied with your gesture at restitution.

Fun Fact

Chapman has written many other books, including being a co-author of The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace with Dr. Paul White (2011), which applies the love-language concepts to work-based relationships.