Introduction
Note: I originally wrote this circa 2016.It is springtime in Provo and the air is, once again, thick with love. With all of the Especially For Youth (EFY) counselors dotting the BYU campus in their brightly colored polos, I am reminded of a traumatizing, would-be-love story that is finally ripe for serious self-reflection after 10 years.
As a 23-25-year-old BYU-Utah undergraduate student, I was beyond my dating prime and feeling serious pressure to be in "wife-finding mode," despite not feeling emotionally prepared for that kind of commitment with another person. In EFY culture, there is an end-of-week relationship tradition observed by both participants and counselors. Although counselors were prohibited (and participants were discouraged) from acting on romantic inclinations during the week, it was popular to let your friends know whom you had a crush on. These crushes were referred to as C.O.W.s or "crushes of the week." For counselors, the acronym was the same, but it stood for "Counselor of the Week." If you were lucky, you would have time to go out on a date once or twice before you either headed home or began a new week of EFY (with a new set of counselors). And the ritual would begin anew.
After completing 8 consecutive weeks as an EFY counselor one summer, I plucked up the courage to invite my final week's COW, Ashley, over to my Raintree apartment for dinner. Ashley was the full package. She had a stunning figure and features. Her gospel testimony was deep and rock solid. And most importantly, she was into me.
Storytime
I worked for EFY in varying capacities for 3 summers (2005-2007). It was one of the most demanding, most satisfying things I've ever done. I used to joke that the pay wasn't great, but the (spiritual) benefits were out-of-this-world.As a 23-25-year-old BYU-Utah undergraduate student, I was beyond my dating prime and feeling serious pressure to be in "wife-finding mode," despite not feeling emotionally prepared for that kind of commitment with another person. In EFY culture, there is an end-of-week relationship tradition observed by both participants and counselors. Although counselors were prohibited (and participants were discouraged) from acting on romantic inclinations during the week, it was popular to let your friends know whom you had a crush on. These crushes were referred to as C.O.W.s or "crushes of the week." For counselors, the acronym was the same, but it stood for "Counselor of the Week." If you were lucky, you would have time to go out on a date once or twice before you either headed home or began a new week of EFY (with a new set of counselors). And the ritual would begin anew.
After completing 8 consecutive weeks as an EFY counselor one summer, I plucked up the courage to invite my final week's COW, Ashley, over to my Raintree apartment for dinner. Ashley was the full package. She had a stunning figure and features. Her gospel testimony was deep and rock solid. And most importantly, she was into me.
Primed by months of sharing my testimony and being spiritually open with my EFY groups, I spent the evening enjoying a profound personal conversation with Ashley. We were like the couples you see in movies who spend hours in a coffee shop, not knowing where the time has gone. I shared with her my innermost feelings. And she trusted me with hers. It was as honest and intimate as I've ever been with anyone. It felt so good. But at the same time, it terrified me.
Even in my mid-20s, I was not confident in my ability to read (much less interpret) "feminine signals," but even I could tell that Ashley desperately wanted me to kiss her; who knows, maybe even marry her.
I remember thinking: I want to kiss her. I think she wants me to. But above all, I have to be honest about my feelings. I don't know if I can trust my emotions. Is this true intimacy, or are my hormones just getting the better of me? Will I feel the same about her tomorrow? When will I see her again? I don't want to hurt her. What should I do?
What Does A Kiss Mean?
In that moment of indecision, I experienced a deluge of competing thoughts.At first, I was all for it. My hormones were definitely a go. I'd even come up with some spiritual justification-- Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy advised young adults to make sure their actions matched their intent: “During the time of courtship, please be emotionally honest in the expression of affection. Sometimes you are not as careful as you might be about when, how, and to whom you express your feelings of affection. You must realize that the desire to express affection can be motivated by other things than true love.” Elder Hafen continued: “When any of you—men or women—are given entrance to the heart of a trusting young friend, you stand on holy ground. In such a place you must be honest with yourself—and with your friend—about love and the expression of its symbols” (source). I felt like my actions would be aligned with my intent. But then I second-guessed myself. What if we kissed and then, for some reason, our relationship ended that night!
I really wanted this to work out. So I reassured myself by buying into the popular Provo cultural belief that a kiss was a contract (made famous by Flight of the Concords around that time).
So, there I was awkwardly frozen on the apartment couch with Ashley, too scared to commit.
But then the thought came to me, if I didn't kiss her, it could be considered cruel. It had escaped me until then that our evening-long conversation was equivalent to an emotional make-out session. I was then reminded of Matthew Richardson's strong caution against developing incongruence between emotional-physical intimacy levels, which inevitably results in unstable relationships (The Relationship Seasons). I.e., my turbo-charged emotional/spiritual cart may be ahead of my physical horses. I guess I'd better catch up physically. (Horny logic.)
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| Photo of a 2007 EFY handout |
Ashley left that night, heartbroken. I never saw her again. We never spoke again. After trying once or twice to contact her, I was too ashamed to continue. I imagine she felt used and rejected and all sorts of shame too. I can only assume she hated/hates my guts. What a tragic end for us both.
Conclusion
I absolutely should have leaned in for the kiss.At that moment, I wish I would have said, "Ashley, I want to tell you something, but it's super hard for me because I have the emotional intelligence of a dreidel. Are you okay if I give it a try? *Wait vulnerably for her response.* You are totally incredible. I've been wanting to kiss you all week. But I worry I won't be able to contain my feelings for you if I act on them—I feel like a baby cobra incapable of regulating his venomous bite. This might sound silly, but I feel personally responsible to guard your virtue as well as my own and I'm not confident in my ability to control myself with you, here, now, on this couch, alone in my apartment. I feel stuck because I can't think rationally due to said racing emotions. I just wanted to put that out there. Oh, also, I worry about what it would mean for you if we kissed and then the worst-case scenario happened and we never saw one another again. I've been talking a lot. Will you please tell me what's going on for you?"
Even after 10 years, I'm not sure I would be emotionally fluid enough to be able to blurt all that out. But it's fun to review now. I don't know where Ashley D. is today, but I wish her the best. And I gift myself a large slice of self-compassion as I continue to practice being comfortable with and expressing my emotions.
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| #MatadorEnergy |
It's so hard to think clearly in moments like the ones you describe. It is painful for me to read your words as I think about the conflicts you both must have been feeling. Rather than shame, I think Ashley must have felt hurt, embarassed, and disappointed by rejection. But you both learned a lot from the experience. And having said you were not emotionally ready for serious commitment, you did the right thing- just not with the very best words! I'm really glad you find it "fun to review now" and can accept the growth as part of life's lessons.
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