The Tanner Dating Academy

Introduction

Matthew O. Richardson, a BYU professor of Marriage and Family Living, just published his first book, The Relationship Seasons: Navigating the 5 Stages of Relationships. Richardson premise is that Christ-centered relationships ought to develop naturally like the seasons. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." The purpose of this book is to define the purposes and practices of the five, distinct seasons of relationships.


The ideas included in his book have been presented at BYU Education Week lectures over the last few years. Since attending those, my brain has been turning them over and over until I feel some ownership of them.

Lessons from Book Summary (pp. 73-75):

• Our society's definition/purpose and practice of dating is broken. Many in my own ward believe dating has simply become a vehicle for romance; and that a first-date is a contract for an exclusive relationship.

• Is dating a learned trait or inherent? It is a learned skill.

• The majority of influences regarding the definition of dating come from the media and incessant propaganda of what relationships are via sit-coms, soap-operas, movies and reality shows.

• Parents must have a competing influence in this process. "Parents have not only the right but the sacred obligation, and the are under counsel from the leaders of the Church to concern themselves with [their children's] dating habits." Elder Boyd K. Packer

• Radical idea: formulate a familial dating academy (Tanner Dating Academy or TDA).

Tanner Dating Academy

The following ideas are heavily influenced by final pages of Richardson's book. Basically, I've just modified and fleshed his ideas out a bit for my own dating academy.

• Each child begins TDA when he or she turns thirteen years old.

• During the next three years, we take the child to dinner with us on various occasions and teach him or her how to order, eat various types of foods, tip a server, appropriately use utensils, and practice good table manners. We talk about what type of person would be a good date, share ideas of appropriate activities impress the importance of planning, explain how to ask of a date or respond to an invitation, and cover the appropriate behavior for mixed company. Then each child practices what he or she has learned. We'll have each boy call his aunts (who will have been prepped and pre-warned) to practice asking someone out on a date and what to do when she accepts or rejects the proposal. In like manner, we'll have an uncle or older brother call each girl and ask her on a date and let her practice responding. p. 74

• The next step involves taking the child to social events where he or she can watch people on dates as well as couples who are courting. Afterward, we'll talk about common courtesies, how to act in groups and that it is polite to remember that there are other people in public places besides you, your date, and your friends. We'll talk about why it is important for parents to meet whomever the child has a date with before they go out together. We'll talk about what to do when you pick up a date or when your date shows up at your door, and we discuss what to do in an emergency, if someone gets sick, or if you get stranded. We'll bravely tackle the doorstep scenario and load our teenagers with practical information and strategies. Interestingly, older siblings love to chime in on this part of the curriculum, sharing their own experiences and successful strategies. Most importantly, throughout the experience we talk about and reinforce the purposes for dating in the first place. p. 74-5

• To graduate from the TDA, each boy in our family will be required to implement the dating lessons by planning a date, preparing to go, asking a person out and taking her-his mother-on a date. Each girl must implement the lessons she learned by accepting and going on a date with me, their father. While this activity is devised to teach our children about dating and ensure they understand the importance of treating other appropriately, hopefully, the entire process will become a cherished experience for all of us (p. 75).

You May Not Yet Be Mature Enough to Date If:

Your disinvited love letters contain detailed references to the Star Wars Saga.

You can't spell your lover's name.

You give it up to Hitler.

You never leave your residence.

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Listening to: Simon & Garfunkel - Old Friends