Roommate Appreciation

Finding Roommate Harmony

As we approach Thanksgiving and Christmas, I want to give a shout out to my terrific roommates.  I love the current make up of our house.  My roommates are incredible individuals. However, I think the harmony I feel has less to do with the behavior of others, and more about my own perception of them.  In other words, as I started to change the way I looked at things, the things I looked at changed.

I've learned a lot about how to be a good roommate over my past 17 years.  Most of the turmoil I have endured in that time has been caused by my expectations not being met.  (E.g., not doing dishes, breaking the honor code, blasting music at all hours of the night, etc.)  While I'm still far from being a pro at developing positive roommate relationships, here's my observation into my current feeling of success—it's simple: roommates bother me less as I become more loving and accepting of them as people.  Accept that we are different people with different histories and backgrounds.  I believe that people are inherently good, regardless or their values or beliefs.  My way I live is not superior.  I don't ask others to change who they are.  I do me, and I honor and respect them. When problems arise, I separate my love for them from their frustrating behavior.

With this life philosophy, I am able to communicate from a place of love.  I rarely get upset.  And as a result, my heart is almost always at peace. When I can see people as people to love and not as problems to solve, the conflict works itself out.  And occasionally, through my example, roommates notice a more-desirable way to live and choose to adopt it voluntarily.  The secret is not to push; just love.

Love, Don't Judge

In a BYU devotional last week, Elder Ballard facilitated a Q&A where he answered the question, "if I have family or friends who are less active, how far should I go to bring them back?"

• Don't preach!
• Offer love and understanding, not judging.
• Share your experiences of living the gospel.
• Be genuinely interested in their lives.
• Always be warm, gentle, and kind.

(Elder Ballard's Nov 2017 BYU Devotional Full Script)

Appreciations

In no particular order, here are 10 things I appreciate about my current roommates individually, and then collectively:

Individually

1. Nick Davis — Nick is an example to me of being non-judgemental. People seem to come out of the woodwork to lay their problems on Nick.  His upbringing has developed in him a great capacity for understanding hardship, and guiding others towards a productive solution to their problems.
2. Thongvun Nak — Thongvun has a compassionate and giving soul.  I love to see him sacrifice hours of his day to prepare delicious food for those he cares about.  He spares no expense in finding the tastiest ingredients to make his offerings more meaningful.
3. Rob Stevens — Rob is a skilled peacemaker.  I distinctly remember one evening when he mediated a discussion I was having with Thongvun where we were having a tough time seeing eye-to-eye.  Rob was willing to sit with us and diffuse escalating emotions through restating and validating our feelings.
4. Jordan Youd — I love Jordan's capacity to feel deeply.  His friendship is special to me not only because we view the world through a similar lens, but because he trusts me with his feelings. Jordan has a passion and ambition for life that inspires me.

Collectively

1. Each of us is so different.  (Religiously, we've are all currently affiliated with the LDS Church, but our respective attitudes and behaviors are currently smattered across the spectrum of religious beliefs and church activity.)  It's my pleasure learn from each one of them about their unique backgrounds and life perspectives. I'm grateful to be able to enjoy meaningful discussions with most of them regularly.
2. We communicate our frustrations from a place of love.  Fundamentally, we shun passive aggressiveness.  Most of us are not afraid to approach one another and express our frustrations openly.  Some approaches are harsher than others, but at the end of the day, we all know the offense is separate from our love of the offender.  A typical frustration might sound something like, "can you please shut up?" But what is felt is, "I know you don't do it to upset me, but I have a hard time falling asleep when you are having a party outside my room at night.  Will you support me in my goal to get the sleep I need?"
3. Everyone is punctual in their rent and utility payments.  As the person responsible for paying our property manager, I'm grateful to not have to deal with that.
4. Everyone is generally conscientious of one another's needs.  For example, one person chose to postpone doing their laundry because they knew someone else would be having friends over soon in the next room.  And, fortunately, we all appreciate maintaining a clean kitchen sink.
5. Most of us value cultivating a spirit of peace and unity in the home.  (No one said that a home has to be "perfect" before you can be grateful for what you have. I honestly believe that the act of expressing gratitude moves something imperfect in the direction of improvement.)