How Do You Keep Your Teens Out of Trouble?

The Research

For decades, researchers believed that monitoring—keeping close tabs on where teens are, who they're with, and what they're doing—was the key to keeping them out of trouble. It seemed like a "silver bullet" for reducing risky behavior.

But it turns out, kids are REALLY good at avoiding monitoring. They know how to hide things, dodge questions, and stay just out of sight when they want to. So, if parents rely on monitoring alone, they’re not actually learning much about what’s really going on.

Instead, 2010 research shows that what actually matters is parental knowledge—but most of that knowledge doesn’t come from spying or strict rules. In fact, only 5% of what parents know comes from monitoring. A much bigger chunk—50%—comes from kids willingly sharing information (disclosure).

So how do parents encourage their kids to open up? Two big factors make a difference:

1. How the child is feeling that day – If they're in a good mood, they’re more likely to talk.
2. How strong their relationship is with their parent – If they feel close and supported, they’re much more likely to share.

The Big Finding:

If parents want to know what’s happening in their teen’s life (and help them make better choices), the best strategy isn’t stricter monitoring—it’s building a strong, trusting relationship.

Parenting, Lumos sp, Adobe Stock, Modified

So What Can Parents Do?

Based on this research, the following strategies focus on nurturing the (short and long-term) emotional connection and trust that make teens feel safe and willing to disclose information willingly.

1. Prioritize Open Communication:

• Create regular opportunities for casual conversations.
• Listen actively without immediate judgment or criticism.
• Ask open-ended questions that invite thoughtful responses.

2. Demonstrate Empathy and Understanding:

• Validate your teen’s feelings even when disagreeing.
• Show genuine interest in their perspectives, interests, and daily experiences.
• Avoid dismissive responses or minimizing their problems.

3. Offer Emotional Support Consistently:

• Be available and approachable, especially when your teen seeks guidance or help.
• Respond calmly to mistakes or missteps rather than reacting harshly or with punishment.
• Emphasize unconditional love and acceptance, separate from achievements or behavior.

4. Respect Privacy and Boundaries:

• Avoid invasive monitoring that can damage trust.
• Give teens reasonable autonomy and opportunities to demonstrate responsibility.
• Allow them space to make choices and learn from natural consequences when appropriate.

5. Be Mindful of Timing and Mood:

• Choose appropriate moments for important conversations (when your teen seems receptive).
• Understand that forcing conversations when your teen is upset or moody may backfire.

6. Foster Mutual Trust:

• Share your own relevant experiences honestly to model openness.
• Acknowledge and admit your mistakes or imperfections openly, modeling accountability and trustworthiness.

7. Create Positive Shared Experiences:

• Regularly spend enjoyable time together without pressure or agenda.
• Engage in activities your teen enjoys to build rapport and show you value their interests.

Conclusion: Connection Over Control

As a former teen, I can tell you this—if we don’t want to share, we won’t. We know how to dodge questions and give half-answers. If parents rely only on monitoring, they’re just seeing what we allow. But when we trust you, when we want to talk—that’s when you really know what’s going on in our world.

I remember lying on my parents’ bedroom floor one night, just talking—about everything. They didn’t interrogate, lecture, or try to fix anything. They just listened. And because of that, I felt safe, supported, and connected. That’s what made me want to open up again.

Emphasizing "connection over control" is easier said than done, but it makes all the difference. Build the kind of relationship where we want to talk to you. Be the person we go to, not the one we hide from. Because when we trust you, that’s when you truly know us.