Let Kids Fail: Why Overprotective Parenting Hurts More Than It Helps

We all want our kids to be happy, safe, and successful. But what if our efforts to protect them are actually holding them back?

Over the past few decades, parenting has shifted from helicoptering—hovering close and monitoring every move—to lawnmowering, where parents clear every obstacle in a child’s path. Both come from love, but both send the same subtle message: “You can’t handle this.”

And that message can quietly chip away at a child’s confidence and resilience.

Helicopter vs. Lawnmower Parenting: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Helicopter parents hover overhead—constantly checking where their kids are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing.

For years, researchers believed this kind of “monitoring” kept kids out of trouble. But research tells a different story:

• Only 5% of what parents know about their teens comes from strict monitoring.

• About 50% comes from kids choosing to share—because they trust their parents.

This finding stems from a landmark 1999 study on parental knowledge and adolescent behavior (Kerr et al., 1999), which was subsequently reaffirmed by the same authors in a longitudinal study (Kerr et al., 2010). Other studies have confirmed that warmth and open communication, rather than surveillance, predict positive teen outcomes (Soenens et al., 2006).

Then came lawnmower parenting, the modern (post-2010) upgrade. These parents don’t just hover—they pave the way. They call the teacher before the child can, smooth over conflicts, and solve every problem before it reaches their kid’s radar.

The result? Kids who struggle when an adult isn't around.

Why Failure Matters

Here’s the hard truth: Kids who never fail don’t learn how to recover.

Recent research backs this up. A 2025 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that students’ perception of their parents’ attitude toward failure predicts their academic resilience—and that this connection is powered by a growth mindset. When parents treat mistakes as learning opportunities, kids bounce back stronger (Zhou et al., 2025).

Other studies link overprotective parenting to lower self-esteem, higher anxiety, and a weaker sense of self. When parents remove every challenge, kids lose the feedback loops that build confidence—“Was that hard? Did I try? What did I learn?” (Choe et al., 2020).

In short, kids need real, supported opportunities to fail.

Parenting, Lumos sp, Adobe Stock, Modified

What the Experts Say

Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside has become one of the most trusted modern voices in parenting.

Her approach, often called sturdy leadership, encourages parents to combine warmth and firmness—to guide rather than control.

She reminds parents that rescuing a child from every challenge may offer short-term relief but creates long-term fragility. As Dr. Becky explains:

“Our job isn’t to prevent every fall—it’s to help them get back up.”

She teaches parents to:

• Let kids make mistakes safely.

• Respond with empathy, not panic.

• Model repair by admitting your own missteps.

You can hear her discuss this approach on The Tim Ferriss Show (Episode 784, 2024) and in her interview with The New Yorker (Goldstein, 2024).

How to Step Back Without Stepping Away

If you want to raise confident, resilient kids, try these research-backed shifts:

1. Replace control with connection.
   Talk, listen, and stay curious, rather than constantly monitoring every move (Kerr et al., 1999). For example, I recently heard Matthew McConaughey talk with Drew Barrymore about his new approach to parenting teenage girls as a big brother rather than a domineering parental figure.

2. Let small failures happen.
   Don’t call the teacher after one bad grade—let your child work through the problem. Help them identify the potential consequences. Let them choose to act. (Zhou et al., 2025).

3. Model imperfection.
   Admit your own mistakes and show how you recover (Kennedy, Good Inside, 2022).

4. Encourage reflection, not rescue.
   After something bad happens, ask: “What did you learn?” instead of “How can I fix this?” Find ways to encourage them to want to come to you instead of forcing your wisdom upon them.

5. Focus on emotional safety.
   Kids open up when they feel safe—not when they feel watched. (Soenens et al., 2006).

The Takeaway: Connection Over Control

When we remove every obstacle, we rob kids of the chance to discover their own strength.

Helicopter parents hover. Lawnmower parents clear the path. But resilient parents walk beside their children—close enough to help when needed, far enough to let them try, fail, and grow.

The goal isn’t a smooth path.
It’s a strong traveler.

References

• Kerr, M., Stattin, H., & Burk, W. J. (2010). A reinterpretation of parental monitoring in longitudinal perspective. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 20(1), 39-64.

• Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., Luyckx, K., & Goossens, L. (2006). Parenting and adolescent problem behavior: an integrated model with adolescent self-disclosure and perceived parental knowledge as intervening variables. Developmental psychology, 42(2), 305–318.

• Zhou, X., Li, Z., & Xu, F. (2025). Parental attitudes toward failure and academic resilience: The mediating role of growth mindset. Frontiers in Psychology.

• Choe, S.-Y., et al. (2020). Self-concept as a mechanism through which parental psychological control impairs empathy development from adolescence to emerging adulthood. Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

• Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.

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Bonus Parenting Tips From BYU Professor, Dr. Adam Rogers:

Based on this research, the following strategies focus on nurturing the (short and long-term) emotional connection and trust that make teens feel safe and willing to disclose information willingly.

1. Prioritize Open Communication:

• Create regular opportunities for casual conversations.
• Listen actively without immediate judgment or criticism.
• Ask open-ended questions that invite thoughtful responses.

2. Demonstrate Empathy and Understanding:

• Validate your teen’s feelings, even when disagreeing with them.
• Show genuine interest in their perspectives, interests, and daily experiences.
• Avoid dismissive responses or minimizing their problems.

3. Offer Emotional Support Consistently:

• Be available and approachable, especially when your teen seeks guidance or help.
• Respond calmly to mistakes or missteps rather than reacting harshly or with punishment.
• Emphasize unconditional love and acceptance, separate from achievements or behavior.

4. Respect Privacy and Boundaries:

• Avoid invasive monitoring that can damage trust.
• Give teens reasonable autonomy and opportunities to demonstrate responsibility.
• Allow them space to make choices and learn from natural consequences when appropriate.

5. Be Mindful of Timing and Mood:

• Choose appropriate moments for important conversations (when your teen seems receptive).
• Understand that forcing conversations when your teen is upset or moody may backfire.

6. Foster Mutual Trust:

• Share your own relevant experiences honestly to model openness.
• Acknowledge and admit your mistakes or imperfections openly, modeling accountability and trustworthiness.

7. Create Positive Shared Experiences:

• Regularly spend enjoyable time together without pressure or agenda.
• Engage in activities your teen enjoys to build rapport and show you value their interests.