Tuesdays with Muerte

Rejection lines women use, plus their "between the lines" translations. 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing kid in 'Deliverance.') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (Did you fight in Korea?) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending too much time around me or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the m...

Last night, while I was swimming at 24 Hour Fitness, a basketball player laid down on the gym floor and stopped breathing. No pulse either. His heart allegedly STOPPED! Underwater, I didn't hear the announcement over the intercom requesting anyone with CPR training to report to the gymnasium. I didn't see what was going on until my eye was caught by the flashing ambulance lights in the outside parking lot. It turns out that the guy in the hot tub heard the call to serve and ran to apply his lifeguard training. I was relieved to hear later from the lifeguard that "it all comes back to you when you are under pressure." What made the story more interesting, was that on the way out of the gym I was told a different first-hand account of the incident from one of the gym's employees. She claimed to have been the one to have performed CPR on the victim. Her story was much more convincing. She actually described the ball players who stood helplessly by, b...

I have outlined a few guidelines that will help you make it through the final months of your pregnancy: 1. NO Reverse Dives with Twists. 2. NO "Excessive Drinking" 3. NO Revealing Too Much about the Pregnancy 4. Absolutely, Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, should you go Breakdancing. 5. NO Loud Noises Bonus: In the immortal words of Ignacio, the Legendary Luchador from Nacho Libre, "Mucho-take-it-easy!"

No one I asked wanted to go to the BYU women's Tennis match today at 3pm against USU. They all thought it would be too boring. One guy was like, "Tennis makes me dizzy; all I do is try to watch to ball go back and forth over the net, and a lot of the time, I lose track of it anyway." Well, all I could say to that was, "I guess Tennis isn't for everyone." Here are TOP 5 reasons why I appreciate watching women's tennis: 5. They give away free tennis merchandise (like tennis shorts) throughout the match to the handful of fans that attend. 4. There is typically FREE pizza and donuts served at all the matches. 3. The caliber of play is high for both the men's and women's teams. (Unlike College basketball, where it is actually painful for me to sit through a women's basketball game.) It is exciting to watch players who perform at a level that is higher than I could compete at. 2. I feel like a contributing member of the BYU ...

Careful guys; only continue reading if you are prepared to be demoralized. I honestly missed all but the final question. Just relax and answer as quickly as you can. 1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to mess up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? 2. If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? You're not very good at this, are you? 3. Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 ... Add another 1000 . Now add 20...

Sometimes artistic creativity strikes at weird times. I wrote this love song in the middle of Sacrament Meeting last week. As far as I remember, it had nothing to do with what was going on at church. I don't remember exactly who was speaking; it was either my friend, Kristen, who spoke on how gospel-living yields happiness or it was something that my former home teacher, Brian Zundel, said regarding charity. I know these lyrics are pretty cliché and mushy, but I had to get it out. If you would just say, "yes" I would fall in love today Unearth my roots and plant them close to yours If you would say "yes" to me I'd leave my doubts behind I would give my life to fill your heart with joy But time drags us apart on relentless waves bound for different seas Only now, now that we're apart,  I understand why Friendship plagued our seeds of love You could not let your heart be free As long as your sister still loved me… So do we wait this out, or should ...

5. SNL Palin Couric Interview Many of you have seen the various Sarah Palin skits run by SNL during the 2008 Presidential Debates. The entire series was hilarious. This one link is just a sample to the phenomenal acting done by Tina Fey. Sarah Palin herself even admitted to watching with no-volume and thought that the interpretation was spot on! Did this interview parody remind you of another viral video from 2007. 4. Bert and Ernie try their hand at Gangster Rap. This video remix does not have any harsh or wanton content, but like Cleanflix videos, the fundamental feeling that accompanies the content does remain. (You might enjoy it anyway). 3.5 When Tom Cruise became a Scientologist , I realized that he was, in fact, just an actor and not, as I had imagined him, a top-secret American CIA Agent. Scientology's pedagogy is acclaimed by it's members to be natural and intuitive. Those who are presented with these principles should feel the truth of the knowledge t...