Why I'm Jealous of the Big Booty

Preface: I realize that this post may seem out of the blue, inappropriate, and possibly even offensive. But for those whom it was written for, trust me, it makes complete sense.  If you start to feel uncomfortable, STOP reading and pick a different post.

Friends of mine have been complaining recently about having unwanted junk in the trunk. I refrain from telling them that I wish I had a bigger booty!  It bothers me when some girls are overly sensitive about their weight. These girls ought to know that not everyone in the world thinks having a substantial caboose is such a bad thing…myself included. (Also see: Sir Mix-a-lot's one-hit-wonder, Baby Got Back.) I bet they wouldn't complain as much if they knew it was something I dreamed of having since childhood.

I think my personal quest for obtaining the callipygian ideal stemmed from elementary school days when I was forced to sit through hours of assembles, forming permanent dents in my sits bones from sitting cross-legged on the hard, marble-like floor.  Not allowed to lie down for relief, I just sat there, year after year, envious of those with more meat on their bones (#skinnyguyprobs).

(Don't stare at this picture for too long.)

My personal view regarding physical appearance is best described using an analogy borrowed from, LDS author, Troy Dunn's Life is Like a Football Game. In Dunn's football allegory of Life, Pre-earth life takes place in the football locker room before this season's equipment checkout. Now, when the "Coach" was giving us the pep talk before sending us out, he informed us that only a few players are going to get to start so receiving a uniform would be quite the privilege! We were so excited to just get in the game that we weren't at all picky about what our uniforms looked like. Some of us got extra-tall jerseys, some of our jerseys were too short, some were big and drooping off the shoulder a little bit. Some players were SO EXCITED that they rushed out onto the field without a knee pad or missing a shoe or forgetting their mouthguard; it was no big deal. If a player was missing their helmet, however, they were quickly returned to the locker room. (I made that last part up. Morbid, I know.) The important thing was that they were part of the big game!

Basically, I'm just grateful to be here!

My Top 5 Favorite Euphemisms for the Term, "Fat"

5. "big-boned" - I know what you're thinking. Why is that girl the only one wearing a sweatshirt?



4. "More to love" - You will never watch Disney's Sword in the Stone in the same way again.



3. "Tons of fun" - Big girls, in fact, are always the life of the party.



2. "Super healthy" - Someone, sometime, tried to convince me that there was no such thing as female sumo wrestlers. Challenge Accepted.



1. "Tall horizontally" - Not photoshopped.



"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." --Miss Piggy

Listening to: Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Simple Gifts