Mein Verrückt Kampf: Sacrament Meeting, Part 2

Sacrament Meeting
20 minutes in

The girl seated directly in front of me will NOT stop playing with her hair! I'll bet she messes with it every 30 seconds! It's distracting the heck out of me. [I proceed to make a record of the intervals between times she messes with her hair over a 5 minute period.]

What defines messing with hair:

- The single head shake (throwing head back to one side only).

- The double head shake (throwing head back from side to side).

- The Flip (throwing the hair behind the shoulder with the backside of the hand.)

- The Swing (returning the hair to the front of the shoulder with the swing of the head).

- The fro pick (running fingers through her hair as if they were comb prongs).

- The Spaghetti Maker (holding ponytail in one hand while the other hand touches finger-to-thumb around the head of the ponytail and traces the circumference of the length of hair. This process can be repeated one, two or three times.)

- The Rinse (continuously milking a slippery clump of hair as if she were trying to squeeze water out of it after a shower.)

Intervals in seconds (total of 4 minutes 45 seconds):

1. 04
2. 42
3. 22
4. 06
5. 11
6. 72
7. 23
8. 40
9. 08
10. 18
11. 07
12. 22
13. 10

Results in seconds:

Average (Range): 4,72

Average (Mean) 21.923

Conclusion:

She messes with her hair too much.

* (With only 10 minutes left in the meeting, it became more difficult to control my thoughts from not drifting further into the land of irrationality; but I tried.) [The story of Saul's conversion is mentioned.] I began to read Acts 9 when I stopped on verse 4 which reads, "And he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?"

Before I continue, I feel it necessary to remind you that my interpretations of scripture are my own and are not intended to benefit anyone else. I understand that they are often out in left field and don't have any rational foundation or scriptural context. However, sometimes I feel like we can all be individually blessed by the Spirit to understand concepts that are not founded in the text. So here it goes.

What if, this dialogue between Saul and the Resurrected Savior didn't take place all at once, like the scriptures would lead us to believe? What if there was a significant space in time between the first and second time the Lord calls Saul's name? What if, in fact, the Lord called him multiple times? "Saul . . . [walk, walk, stubborn walk] Saul . . . [persecute some Saints, read the Law of Moses while walking some more] . . .SAUL!!! [Earth trembles.]"

The scriptural evidence clearly sets a precedent against this hypothesis in the similar conversion story of Alma the Younger (Mosiah 27, Alma 36). We also see from the example of the young boy, Samuel, that when the Lord wants it recorded that He calls multiple times, it is recorded so (1 Sam. 3).

Yet, I wonder if before the heavens opened and the glory and voice of God shined down, causing Saul to fall to the earth, Saul were approached more discreetly by the Lord. We read in 3 Nephi 11, when Christ appeared to his beloved Nephite people, that it took three times for them to hone in and realize where the Lord's voice was coming from.

With this in mind, I'm grateful for the commandment to pray always. I don't want to be like young Alma or Saul or others who get caught at the business end of the pride cycle––where "forced humility" is the last option we are afforded to come unto God. [Often accompanied by soul-racking and eternal torment; not pretty.] If I follow the commandment to stay close to the Lord through prayer, there is never a need to endure such pain.

Could Saul be another scriptural example of the Lord's repetitive and consistent call to us? Probably, not. But it is a good reminder to listen.

* The closing hymn was a solo performance by one of the male ward members. He sang a beautiful arrangement of Our Savior's Love. I closed my eyes to full appreciate the music. Mid-phrase, a phenomenon occurred––he turned into Kermit the Frog! What he was actually singing was "Our Saviors love, breaks through clouds of strife" and what I heard next was "someday, we'll find it, the rainbow connection."


His voice suddenly switched from a steady tenor to a voice that could have passed for Jim Henson. High-nasal timber, hard consonants, changing pitch on diphthongs, occasional breaks in his voice and his Kermit impression was unintentionally topped off with the occasional head nod to emphasize important phrasing.

Thank you for joining me for this week's edition of mein verrückt kampf. Hopefully this peek into "the inner sanctum" will help satisfy some of the curiosities that some of you may have had. I don't know what to tell you––there is no one else on Earth who thinks like me.

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Listening to: Voice Male - Rainbow Connection