MARS and VENUS on a DATE

I just finished the "relationship bible", by the author of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. It was very insightful. Not only did I discover more about how to please and pursue the opposite sex, but I also learned at lot about myself that I just didn't understand before.

Here are my favorite gems:

*There are 5 stages of dating that provide couples with a strong foundation to support a loving relationship throughout their lives

1. Attraction
2. Uncertainty
3. Exclusivity
4. Intimacy
5. Engagement

*In my past relationships, I have often jumped right to stage 2 after the first date, while the girl I'm with is still in stage one. When I don't call her back, she is left clueless as to how I feel and probably thinks I'm pretty rude for not calling back.


*Why I don't appreciate my date reaching across my seat to open the door for me:

A man hungers for the opportunity to make a woman happy. "When the woman is too eager to please, a man doesn't experience the distance he needs to pursue her." If she is going to reach over and unlock the door, then why would I have bothered to escort her to the car door in the first place? She should let me be successful and gracefully receive and benefit from my gift. "When a woman reaches across to unlock a man's door it defeats the whole purpose of the date and confuses their roles. Instead, if she just happily waits, appreciating his attentiveness to her there is greater opportunity for the attraction to grow." p. 41-43

*This is where the game comes from:

"A woman needs to remember that men are like rubber bands. They pull away. If you don't run after them, they will spring back." p. 53

*Women are attracted to men:

1. with a plan
2. anticipate their needs before and offers to help.
3. who listen
4. who are confident
5. who are purposeful
6. who are responsible

*The power of women to get men to do their bidding:

"Many women make the mistake of focusing on their negative feelings before making a request. On Venus they commonly talk and share their feelings about a problem before asking for a solution. While this approach may work with girl friends, it doesn't work with men." p. 81 Men just need to be asked in a way that supports their masculinity. Successful women make men feel successful about helping them. "Men respond much better when they are seen not as the problem but as the solution." p. 144

Examples:
Don't Say: "We never go out."
Do Say: "Would you take me out to a concert next weekend?"
Don't Say: "You've got to start remembering to do this."
Do Say: "Will you do so and so please." [fully expecting that he will do it]



*Apologies on Mars and Venus:

Mars: The better the explanation, the more forgiveness will come his way. "If there is a problem on Mars, it is usually the end of the discussion when one person finally apologizes." p. 117

Venus: "One Venus, it is the opposite. When you say you are sorry, the discussion begins. When a man says he is sorry to a woman, she will proceed to tell him in great detail why he should be feeling sorry." Explanations don't work on Venus; she needs to feel understood. There are three principles of the Venusian apology: Say you're sorry [briefly without explanation], listen and honestly validate her feelings, respond with a "nadjective" [a negative adjective that defines the man's fault: inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish, mean, defensive, over-reactive.]

*Women DO like nice guys:

When women dump men, they almost always say, "You're nice, but I would just like to be friends." [not a bad line]. The myth is then perpetuated each time a nice guy is rejected because he mistakenly assumes it is because he was "nice. This experience is compounded by the recurring situation of a woman complaining about a past relationship if she is complaining, then she tends to focus on what a jerk the guy was. So once again, a nice guy can't figure women out and wonders why she got so involved with a jerk. p. 139

*Stages of attraction/chemistry:

Mars: Physical --> Emotional --> Mental --> Spiritual
Venus: Mental --> Emotional --> Physical --> Spiritual
p. 150-170

*Roles:

To be most attractive in the long run and for her to feel bust about themselves, men ought to be actively interested:
action-oriented, masculine, direct, confident, purposeful, and responsible. Women ought to be receptively interested: self-assured, receptive, and responsive. p. 271

Example:
Men: I wonder how I could impress her. Let's make a plan. First we should have dinner and then have plenty of time to get to the movies by eight. She will have a great time.
Women:I wonder what he could offer me. He's cute. I certainly would like to find out.

*Girls, if you want a boy to kiss you goodnight, follow these steps:

At the end of the date look him in the eyes, slightly tilt your head, smile, and then raise your chin slightly, as if to say, "I really had a good time and if you want to kiss me, I would like that too. Just do it." p. 200

*Why men become tongue-tied:

Men tend to use one part of the brain at a time, while women use many parts simultaneously. It is relatively easy for women to speak when she has strong feelings, but for a man, the stronger the feelings, the less he is able to think and speak. p. 201

*Compliments: Acknowledge Men, Adore Women

Mars: It is best to give Martians Indirect compliments. Example: "I am having a wonderful time", "I had so much fun", "This band is great." [Martians feel responsible for all things that the woman feels.]

Venus: Venusians most appreciate compliments that are personal and direct. Example: "You are so wonderful" or "Your smile is so perfect." A woman particularly appreciated a compliment when it focuses on something she put a lot of herself into. Keep it G-rated, of course. It is always good to follow up a compliment with a question. Example: "I really like your smile. Did you have good day?"

You can "juice up" any compliment for men or women by adding simple words like so, really, very, always, and such. Be sure to offer all compliments in a friendly, casual tone with no heavy feelings, expectations, or strings attached.

*Phone Calls:

Three good reasons for men to a girl after a date:
1. Call to let her talk about the date, even if you don't have a lot to say.
2. Call to see if the attraction is more or less.
3. Call as a courtesy and an expression of good manners.

"A man may think that by not calling he is sparing a woman the woman the experience o being directly rejected. And yet women do feel neglected and disrespected when a man doesn't call, particularly when he says he will or if he didn't clearly close out the relationship on their last date." p. 242

*I'm afraid I've left many girls annoyed after dates. If it is a great date, I don't call; if I'm not sure, I don't call; and if I wanted to just end it, I don't call. No wonder dating can be so frustrating. p. 243

The DTR:

"Just as women complain when men do not call back, men complain about women who want to talk about he relationship. Unless a man is entering the commitment sage of dating he generally doesn't like to talk about the relationship or define it [D.T.R.]. Men just want to live in the moment and see where things go. They want to let it develop, like planting a seed. It doesn't work to keep digging it up each day to see if it is still sprouting." p.258

*How to ask a guy out on a "date":

"Instead of asking him out on a romantic date, she can ask him to "help her" with something practical or accompany her somewhere. As long as she is genuinely asking him for something that would make her life more comfortable and fulfilled, then it is fine to ask." p. 266

*Miracle of listening:

"By sharing, a woman is able to release the burden of feeling solely responsible...when a man can hear a woman's feelings without minimizing them or trying to fix them, she can let go of feeling so responsible and feel good again." p. 303

*How to need a man without being needy:

"Needing more is not a turnoff, but not appreciating is." The Need to Appreciation ratio needs to stay even as it is plotted on a graph. It's always his pleasure to give. "As long as a man feels rewarded, he likes being used." p. 312-317

*Finding your soul mate:

"If you have been to the places that appeal to you and you have not found your soul mate, try looking in the places where people have interests different from yours."

Example: If you are a morning person, stay out late. If you like to own books, try going to the library where people only borrow books, etc. p. 325