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Back Scratching at Church

When attending church, I can't seem to escape it. It doesn't matter which class I attend. I'll sit down in a distraction-free area, and then immediately after the opening prayer, two people directly in front of me will go at it. Someone always ends up scratching the other one's back; girl-girl, girl-guy or visa versa (rarely guy-guy, unless it's a particularly boring Elder's Quorum lesson).

Back-scratching is like a pervasive pandemic in my ward. Once a couple sees someone else doing it, they join in the commotion. Within minutes, there is cacophony of nails scratching against suit coats and dresses permeating the classroom or chapel in near-perfect 7.1 Dolby Surround Sound.

Parishioners seem appear out of nowhere to distract and taunt me. A few weeks ago, Felicia, a girl my roommate and I met through volleyball, surprised me by driving all the way across town to attend sacrament meeting with me and my roommate, Scott. The three of us casually visited briefly beforehand, so I figured they would be a threat to sit behind. Nope. We said "amen" and the back-scratching began, and lasted, THE WHOLE TIME. No breaks. It's like the church-acceptable makeout. It made me wonder what their motivations were for being a church.

The worst thing about this irritating distraction is that despite my hating it, I'm always left thinking, "why not me!" (I think it's catching.)

I've found that the only safe place to sit is the front row, dead center.

p.s. Maybe I'll call the phenomenon "B1-S1" (Back-scratching strain of the Swine Flue).

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Comments

  1. Stefanie ElyseSun Nov 01, 03:13:00 PM MST

    That is the funniest post I've ever read. Let's talk about it over the phone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Shawna and Daniel BatesSun Nov 01, 07:33:00 PM MST

    Now I know why you never sat by me during sacrament meeting...it is all coming together now :) ha ha. That is one of my favorite parts of that hour and 10 minutes...

    ReplyDelete
  3. NatalieDMon Nov 02, 04:22:00 PM MST

    It could be worse. Trust me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. BenMon Nov 02, 05:05:00 PM MST

    Bryan, I've been looking for a way to put that scene into words. Great job, hope you don't mind, but I'm copying it. I'll give you credit of course.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Julie TWed Nov 04, 07:50:00 AM MST

    One of my biggest pet peeves too. Only in our ward it's the adults who want everyone to know how happily married they are that are distracting and planting other thoughts in the YSA's minds! I think it's time the brethren address this at General Conference, don't you?!

    ReplyDelete

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