Preface: If you google searched the title in the hopes of seeing some bizarre paraphilia, this post will disappoint you. The title simply refers to three times in my life when I used words/phrases I thought I understood the meanings of, but really didn't...
Theme of this post: No matter how morally tainted I think I am, I'll always have friends that are worse than me.
FETISH — Times when I feel tainted:
Knowledge of the obscene makes me feel regretfully dirty. Yet, I also feel a sense of superior power in knowing when NOT to use certain terms. Any time a dirty word is misused, it's difficult for me to keep from laughing; sometimes I have to cover my mouth to keep it in. Then I wonder what it would be like if I had never been "educated" in such things in the first place. Then I typically dwell on how much filth my mind has collected over the years until something else distracts me.In those moments, I feel like I'm the dirtiest person in the room.
Tonight, I went out to eat with a group of friends at Applebee's — 1/2 off appetizers on Thursdays! One of the girls sitting across the table mentioned in passing that her mom had some "crazy shoe fetish".
I giggled to myself and recalled the ward prayer at The Monticello Apts. when a 28-year-old medical-school-dropout-turned-film-student stopped the ongoings to correct everyone's misuse of the term fetish:
Fetish: (noun) An object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.
*Granted, modern usage of the word has evolved to include the following meaning: an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion. (Not necessarily sexual.)
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| Example of Batman and his leather fetish |
SUPAMAN DAT HOE — Innocent After All
Last week, I was at one of my good friend's black-light, dance party where some girl (I just met) painted my face and arms with some petroleum-based paste that glows under UV light. The gathering was very innocent as far as college parties go. No alcohol. BYU-approved dress code. The Hip-hop music consisted of popular radio hits and was relatively clean. No one got too freaky on the dance floor. It was good, honest fun!By 1:30am, all of the other party-goers had left for home. I remained to challenge the house tenants to a series of fooseball games. One song in particular was stuck in my mind:
Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe [read: Oh]"Then Super Man that, OOOoHH!" I screamed as I shot on their goal.
Watch me Crank It
Watch me Roll
Watch me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Then Super Man Dat Hoe [read: Oh]
My friend looked up and gave me that knowing, I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look. "Bryan, do you know what it means to 'Superman' someone?"
Dang it. I hate it that everything can be made into something smutty.
"No. …And don't tell me either. I don't want to know. Wait. Just tell me."
"Are you sure, it's REEAALLY Bad."
"OK, DON'T!"
I tried hard for the rest of the fooseball series to put the song out of my mind, to no avail.
BONER — A Blast from the Past
That reminds me of the time in 5th grade when I learned to not use words in conversation before learning their meanings.Ryan Peterson called someone a 'boner' that day in school. Knowing I was going over to his house later that day, I quickly logged the word in the front of my brain for quick recall. When we got to Ryan's house his dad was watching basketball on the couch. I didn't know much about basketball despite having played for a city team with Ryan for the previous two years.
The Lakers missed a shot. Eager to reproduce my new, cool word before I forgot it, I blurted out, "Those Lakers are BONERS!"
Ryan's dad looked over, puzzled, while Ryan dragged me downstairs saving me from further embarrassing myself.
"Do you know what a boner is?" Ryan chuckled, disbelieving what he had just witnessed.
My pride swelled and deflated. "No. Not really," I confessed, my eyes gazing at the shag carpet.
I learned, that day, what a boner was.
Conclusion
I still don't know what it means to "superman" someone. When I hear new songs that I like, I fearfully try to go as long as I can without listening to the lyrics because I know that, ultimately, all songs are about sex and/or drugs. Even the most harmless lyrics are guaranteed to have sordid undertones. Call me a conscientious listener.I don't want to spend any more time thinking about it so I will suffice to guess that to "superman" someone means to do something sexual in a very disrespectful way.
Having just watched all four Superman movies starring Christopher Reeves, I could pour over every scene and imagine what the term might have reference to, but that would probably be more harmful than just looking up the definition in the first place.
*DON'T DO IT! DON'T LOOK UP THE TERM; REMEMBER HOW MY FRIEND SAID THAT IT WAS REALLY, REALLY BAD. IF I CAN RESIST, THEN SO CAN YOU.
NO. But my question is, what's the point of hashing and rehashing it if those that don't really want to know don't know. Isn't this merely a subtle form of temptation in the planting of seeds?
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