Learning to Love

Introduction

I'm reading Filled with His Love by Russell T. Osguthorpe, emeritus Sunday School General President for the LDS church. I was startled by the first paragraph of his book.

Of all the problems we face in mortality, the most vexing is not the lack of money or even the lack of food and water. It is the lack of love—the inability to receive and give love as the Savior did. If our physical body receives the necessary nourishment but our spirit does not receive and give love, our time on earth has no meaning. We might as well not exist. —Russell T. Osguthorpe, Filled with His Love

Osguthorpe obviously feels strongly about the importance of being filled with the love of God (loving and feeling loved). It reminded me of a special interaction with him over a decade ago circa 2013. While walking between classes, I recognized Professor Osguthorpe walking between buildings. He was still a BYU McKay school professor, but he was also on campus developing the Church-wide Come Follow Me Sunday School program. I nervously initiated a conversation. And though our walk only lasted two minutes, it was enough for me to feel like 24-karat gold. 

Now that I know it is possible to extend that feeling of care and support so rapidly, I've become fascinated with how to offer that gift to others. Despite not recalling the exact topic of our conversation, I have identified three defining characteristics of that conversation that I strive to emulate:

1. 100% Present

I'm very rarely 100% present with the people I care about most. For example, when I was dating my wife (before we got engaged)—the time when we both wanted to see and understand one another most deeply—we filtered our interactions through an inward-focused lens. We constantly made judgments about one another to assess our compatibility. "Are there any red flags?" "Is that tendency going to drive me crazy?" "What does that information mean for me?" This wasn't the case with Russ.

In those moments together, I occupied all of Russ's physical, mental, and emotional attention as we walked together. He was more than just a skilled, active listener. His perceived presence was motivated by something fundamental to his character. What was that x-factor? 

After studying two of Russ's books (The Education of the Heart; Filled with His Love) and his other publications, he often correlates one's capacity to attend to others with one's capacity to be filled with the love of God. The more attached we feel to God, the more we are filled with His love. The more we are filled with his love, the less we need to attend to our emotional needs and be more cognizant of others' welfare. Like C.S. Lewis enjoined, I was no mere human to him.

"It's a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship," — C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Physical Attention

As we chatted, the world faded away. Russ wasn't pecking at his cell phone. His body was turned towards me as we walked. He would physically and verbally pause after I had finished speaking. These pauses effectively communicated what I had just shared with him. Eliminate physical distractions. 

Mental Attention

As a result of being filled with love (of God and for all mankind), Russ set aside any personal concerns he was processing when we bumped into one another. I imagine his ability to place me in his attention spotlight was motivated by the internalization of Lewis's quote. Russ didn't attempt to weave anything that would have shifted the spotlight to himself into our conversation. Nothing was more important to him then than me and my concerns. I imagine being with Jesus would feel the same way.

Emotional Attention

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Russ demonstrated mastery in perspective-taking. He sought to see the world through my eyes. Despite probably being an expert in the subject, he didn't try to offer advice or a new perspective; he just wanted to understand my perspective and how I felt about it. To him, that was all that seemed to matter. 

2. Helped Me Visualize a Path to Success

Throughout our conversation, Russ never offered a single word of advice. And yet, I felt as if I had received a week of specialized training. I left the conversation glowing, feeling inspired and encouraged by his success-defining questions and expressions of confidence.

Guiding Questions

Russ initially observed my fear and recognized my underlying need for direction. Through careful curiosity, he led me to articulate what success looked like and how to get there. Note: it wasn't a vision of the overall problem. Rather, it was just the next immediate step of what I had control over. 

Expression of Confidence

Russ expressed verbal confidence in the potential next steps I shared regarding my concern. However, the thing that had the most impact on me was what he didn't express. I don't know how he did this, but I didn't feel any negativity from him, either in his words or tone. Somehow, even when he asked questions, they had an edge of "yes, this is possible" rather than "I have doubts that your plan will work." Even if my plan didn't work, his positive approach motivated me to try and fail quickly rather than deliberate and procrastinate until I gathered enough confidence to take action. (I desperately wish I had a recording of his exact words, but whatever they were, I left the conversation believing I had the power to find a way through.)

Research has repeatedly proven that the best solutions are the ones we develop ourselves. Had he merely handed me a solution, I wouldn't have learned and grown how I truly needed.  

3. Belonging

To my astonishment, Russ invited me to stay connected. "Reach out to me to let me know how things are going. I can't promise a timely reply. But I'd still like to hear from you, Bryan." This was the emotional highlight of the conversation for me. Even though I knew I wouldn't act on his invitation, simply knowing he was in my corner gave me a "power up" to confidently move forward with my challenge. Through this commitment to me, I felt like I belonged to him. We had become attached to one another through that invitation, even loosely.

Quest: +1 Better

To practice creating belonging, I've been playing a game invented by Jane McGonigal called Plus-One Better. It's led to several heartfelt conversations, and opportunities to connect and feel strengthened!

In this quest, you're encouraged to connect with three people: someone who would like to hear from you, someone you'd like to hear from, and someone who might be surprised to hear from you. Choose an "easy," "medium," or "hard" difficulty by messaging one, two, or all three individuals, respectively. Ask each person, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going?"

This question often prompts deeper reflection and more honest responses than a simple "How's it going?" Once they reply with a number, follow up by asking, "Is there anything I could do to help move it from a [current number] to a [current number +1]?"

The quest aims to surprise and support someone, showing that you care. This approach can foster deeper connections and improve relationships by increasing common ground and familiarity. It's a habit inspired by philanthropist Michael, who regularly asks this question to friends and strangers, often leading to meaningful conversations.

By consistently practicing this habit, you'll create opportunities to offer support and engage in positive interactions, making it a playful and beneficial tradition among your social circle.

Conclusion

We all want to feel deeply seen, understood, and loved. Unfortunately, it happens only rarely. I hope to continue to ponder and practice these principles so I can give others the gift that Russ gave me so many years ago.

Note: This is my first draft. I'll continue adding to and revising my thoughts in this post over the next few weeks.