10 Things I Needed to Unlearn Before Marriage

Two years ago, I was far from feeling "marriage-ready". But, as of writing this, I have been married for eight months. What prepared me for The Big Leap? What's changed? After racking my brain (and heart), I've come up with a few possible answers. They all have to do with certain limiting beliefs I held (marked in red). I had to address each one of them in order to feel confident about starting a family.

 —Color Coding—

• Lies: Unconscious beliefs that kept me from marriage
• Truth: Counteracting, conscious beliefs that facilitated a successful marriage mindset

Lies	Truth
1. My imperfection makes me unrighteous, and therefore an unworthy prospective husband and father.	1. Perfection isn't a prerequisite for marriage.
2. Single people are somehow incomplete.	2. I never needed “a better half” to "complete me".
3. I just have to wait for "the right one" to come along.	3. Marriage is a choice, not something that happens to you.
4. The higher my caliber, the better mate I can attract.	4. So-called perfect people are boring and unrelatable.
5. The more perfect I become, the less likely my marriage will end in divorce.	5. Honesty is the rubber that allows for resilient marriages.
6. Expecting that relationships probably won't work out.	6. "This could be the one." (The Glass Slipper Approach.)
7. Marriage ought to be my chief pursuit in life.	7. Discipleship > Marriage.
8. Perfection is possible now. Repentance is for the weak.	8. Perfection is an eternal pursuit. Repentance is not the backup plan.
9.Therapy is for weirdos.	9. Therapy is awesome!
10. I am not enough.	10. I am enough; right now, as I am.

—Belief Set #1—

My imperfection makes me unworthy of marriage.

I used to believe that my imperfection made me unworthy of a marriage relationship. That if others saw my imperfection, they would think less of me. Unfortunately, I allowed my shame to isolate me from sharing my painful, limiting beliefs with others. And without talking about my shame, I didn't allow for my false beliefs to be challenged. The more energy I threw into fighting for perfection, the more disappointment and shame I ultimately felt each time I failed to achieve perfection. This shame led to ongoing feelings of unworthiness, which forced me into a holding pattern of "dating for fun" for years. I dated because I knew I was supposed to, but my heart wasn't truly ready for marriage. I deluded myself into believing that maybe I could begin relationships and then, through the course of the relationship, I might "get there." What actually ended up happening was I disassociated from the parts of me I didn't like, ingraining those self-harming beliefs even more. It seems crazy now to think about. But it was the only way I knew to manage (read: hide from) my pain. 

Perfection = Worthiness.

Perfection isn't a prerequisite for marriage.

Perfection ≠ Worthiness.

The best thing I did for my dating life was fully embracing the belief that it was okay for me to be imperfect. After living in fear that everyone would see my imperfection, I was surprised by how accepting people were when I overcame my shame by attempting to live vulnerably/wholeheartedly (as Dr. Brené Brown advises). Constantly striving to appear perfect when I wasn't was a soul-sucking exercise in futility! (#EsseQuamVideri)

After reading, "Becoming Like God," an LDS Gospel Topics Essay, I learned to believe that I am worthy of marriage as I am (accepting my imperfection).

—Belief Set #2—

Single people are somehow incomplete.

"I shouldn't be content (as a single person). God said, 'man is not meant to be alone' (Gen. 2:18). He wants me to be married. If I am single and over 30, I must be displeasing God. If man is not whole without the woman, then marriage must be the secret ingredient I need to complete me. Unfortunately for all the other incomplete people out there, I cannot get married until I feel complete/whole/perfect on my own first." #Catch22

I never needed “a better half” to "complete me".

The idea that the love found in marriage "completes" us is a cultural misconception perpetuated by media and well-meaning loved ones.  To be fair, this idea may be true in some sense, just not in the way I understood it. I had long hoped that the right person would come alone and fill a missing piece I felt inside. I believed that another's love might be that illusive, perfecting x-factor I was seeking. However, I discovered that being loved by another could not make me happy nor fulfill me if I didn't already love myself. As Eckhart Tolle suggests, happiness comes from living each moment as it is and as we are. This idea opened my mind to the secret of dating—if you want to have your pick of anyone, be happy as you are. Stop looking for happiness or wholeness in something or someone else. As I embraced the idea that I was okay—imperfect and single, I felt God's confirming witness that He loved and accepted me as I was. I was ready to enjoy having another whole person in my life. 

This concept is perfectly illustrated by the video below entitled, The Missing Piece Meets the Big O, a book by Shel Silverstein. You might also enjoy Silverstein's The Missing Piece, a double-journey narrative his original book.

Moral: Be a "Big O," not a missing piece.

—Belief Set #3—

I just have to wait for "the right one" to come along.

I regularly hear an old adage doled out by well-meaning friends and family seeking to console their single, loved ones: "you just haven't come across the right one yet." In my 20 years of dating experience, I think that's bologna. The only thing the waiting mindset did for me was free me from any initiative or responsibility for my own life. When I relied on this fairytale approach to dating, I found myself sitting in front of my TV, wishing to meet someone who laughs at the same obscure sitcom jokes as I do. My problem was that even after possibly finding "the one" "who gets me," I would doubt my ability to discern that they were "the one" because I was not in the habit of taking responsibility for my life choices. "Is she really, 'the one'? Gosh. I'm not sure. Oh, well. I'm sure my lucky stars to align…eventually."

Marriage is a choice, not something that happens to you.

Something that marked my marriage readiness was me taking charge of/responsibility for my life. I stopped waiting for God or fate to place her in my path. Instead, I decided to take action. Not control. Action. I set daily, weekly, and monthly goals and worked hard to reach them. I didn't always reach them, but that didn't matter. One of those goals was to ask out at least two girls on dates each month—something I could control. I broadened my net by letting go of the desire to hold a flame for a potential soulmate or "dreamgirl". I optimistically looked forward to simply getting to know new people. Everyone had marriage potential (glass slipper approach). That meant I was completely open to all the goodness in the person before me. By being open to everyone, I had a much easier time saying, "you're a cool person. I'm grateful to have spent some time together. But I don't think your awesomeness and my awesomeness will go together long term. (Note: The more dating experience I accrued over the decades, the more decisive and confident I became in my ability to evaluate what kinds of awesomeness I was looking for in a potential spouse.) I no longer relied on the hope that "maybe something would click" and the universe would serendipitously reveal its intentions for us through the course of the relationship. Note: I recognize that everyone's path toward marriage is different. Mine certainly is not a model to follow. Nevertheless, I feel this core principle is true.

This dating compatibility test, which I just found online, is a great tool that approximates the questions that I remember asking myself while getting to know women I dated. This test has some additional questions I wish I had been aware of when I was dating.

—Belief Set #4—

The higher my caliber, the better mate I can attract.

In other words, if I can systematically eliminate my flaws before marriage, I will be worthy of—and hopefully, end up with—someone with whom I can enjoy a lasting marriage and even exaltation. This was taught to me as "truth" when I was a child (Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry, President Gordon B. Hinckley, April 1998). It was then reinforced on my LDS mission. Missionaries jokingly would encourage one another to work harder by reiterating, "the harder you work, the more beautiful your spouse will be." Using some mental gymnastics, I'm sure that argument could make sense, but mostly it's just wrong and harmful.

And so, for years after returning home, I lived out the following daily routine:

• Wake up.
• See cute girl.
• Think, "I'm so broken and imperfect, only weirdos would consider me "marriage material.' But if I wait a little longer, and prepare a little harder, I'll end up with a 'better' eternal companion."
• Go through 99% of my day living a Christlike life.
• Commit sin.
• Beat myself up and reinforce the fact that I'm not ready to initiate a real relationship.
• Pray for forgiveness.
• Go to sleep.

So-called perfect people are boring and unrelatable.

Think about the likable people: comedians, "extroverts," class clowns, best friends. These people all have something in common; they are not afraid of to be completely themselves. Tragically, some people make futile attempts to inauthentically connect with others by doing stupid stuff on purpose. While this may elicit some laughs, it does nothing for personal connection. On the other hand, we easily connect with those who are willing to show us their whole selves.

After earning my undergraduate degree from BYU, I began training to become a firefighter. To make rent, I answered a human-figure modeling ad at a local art studio. (I had never done anything like this before.) I remember nervously driving to the studio wearing only a robe and swimsuit, ready to show off my chiseled physique (having worked out extra hard hours before). On my way in, I passed another model leaving the building. "She isn't a model," I ignorantly thought.  She was over 300 pounds and was dressed like she didn't have a safe place to sleep that night. Then the art director approached me and examined me like fishmonger inspecting a fresh haul from the harbour. (I involuntarily flexed my abs.) The words that then came from his cleft-lipped mouth have stuck with me to this day. He said, "boring. But you'll be fine for today, I guess."

"Boring?!" I muttered to myself—half indignant, half ashamed—as I ascended the subject podium. I then silently stewed for 90 minutes while a semicircle of budding artists judged my boring body. A few sessions later, still hustling for worthiness, I got the chance to ask the art director what he looks for in a "good" model. Essentially, he said, as an artist, he sees the world differently than most. Everyone he passes on the street is a subject. Normal people— people without pain and scars—are boring. It's the wrinkles and warts that make subjects interesting to draw.

I wanted to be perceived as perfect, flawless. That's always been the ideal, right? Apparently not. This lesson took me an additional 10 years to fully unlearn.

—Belief Set #5—

The more perfect I become, the less likely my marriage will end in divorce.

Divorce was a huge fear of mine. If I ever got divorced, it would be an embarrassingly public validation of my greatest fear, that I am not enough to make a marriage work—that I wasn't enough. Therefore, I couldn't get married before I was ready (read: perfect). I believed the more perfect I became, the more perfect a spouse I would attract, and thus we would have a greater chance of making it. An eternal marriage decision is too important to blow prematurely. After all, as I was warned by my childhood patriarch, "the selection of your companion is the greatest single decision you will make in mortality, for it is the basis for your eternal happiness." Eternity is a long time!

Imperfection doesn't ruin marriages; dishonesty does that. Trusting others with my imperfection (vulnerability) is essential for a strong marriage foundation.

I thought the discovery of one's hidden imperfection by their spouse was what broke down marriages. But it's the dishonesty that separates people, not our imperfection. We are all imperfect. It's only when we allow ourselves to be fully seen that we open ourselves to the ability to build the bonds that make a strong marriage. Instead of hiding my imperfections, I need to own them and be willing to share them with those closest to me. In order to feel ready for marriage, I needed to know that my wife saw me completely, and still loved me. That was the main thing holding me back. Sure, other factors were important too—attraction (physical, mental, social, spiritual), sharing similar goals and interests, family, etc. But, nothing was more attractive to me than feeling accepted as I was. And that only happened because I was trying to live wholeheartedly (Thanks again, Dr. Brené Brown). But wholehearted living had a cost. It required me to let down my armor. I had to be willing to be hurt. Gratefully, I didn't have to endure the growing tool of pain for too long after that discovery before I found Stacia.

Being okay with my imperfect was so freeing! I began to set healthy boundaries in my life where there were none before. I became less sensitive to the slightest feedback in interactions that I might be doing something to upset someone. I.e., I would no longer "change my life to better suit your mood" as Rob Thomas of Matchbox Box 20 sings in Smooth by Santana. I didn't need to hustle for other's validation (as much) because I liked my imperfect self. And to my surprise, others like the real me more as well.

—Belief Set #6—

Expecting that relationships probably won't work out.

There are three reasons why I approached relationships believing they wouldn't work out:

1. Statistically, speaking the numbers supported this idea.
2. I held others to the same unreachable expectations of perfection I held for myself.
3. After experiencing so many "failed" relationships (that did not result in marriage), this belief protected me from future heartache. E.g., I remember having feelings for someone but immediately putting them in check because I didn't want to get my hopes up in the event that the relationship failed. This mentality was rooted in worry and fear. I looked for red flags to preemptively exit relationships if I was afraid they might not work out (and hurt me). I.e., "I will not marry you (or even be willing to reveal my whole self to you) unless you can first prove that you won't hurt me."

The Glass Slipper Approach.

I approached dating with the arrogant mindset that women had to first prove to me that they had already achieved their ideal selves—that standard for which I yearned—before I would be willing to commit to the relationship. Having found my dream girl, my hope was that I would be motivated to hurry up and finish perfecting myself before she found out that I wasn’t as great as ai seemed.

Fortunately, for everyone involved, I was able to let go of this destructive cycle as I learned to accept my own imperfection. As soon as I accepted my own imperfection, I began extending that same grace to others. Suddenly, everyone had potential as a marriage partner. No one had to prove themselves anymore. We were all okay as we were. The only question I needed to ask to determine if I was ready to seriously date someone was, "did I enjoy hanging out with them?" It was as simple as that.

Six months before meeting Stacia, I adopted this glass slipper approach. Instead of making my dates prove their worth before moving forward with the relationship, I began fitting the proverbial slipper on anyone and everyone (e.g., divorcees, mothers, people who had never been in a long-term relationship, etc.) and only moved on after discovering that I wasn't having fun being myself with them. But the secret for this approach to work was that I had to truly believe that it was possible to click with the unlikeliest of people. I opened my heart and lead our dating interactions with vulnerability. 

Like Cinderella, Stacia was a prime example of an "unlikely" person. I remember my reaction to the first time I saw a photo of her on her Mutual profile. (Mind you, I was still new to this "being open" thing.) It was a stern-looking headshot (used for acting auditions, I discovered later). [Insert Stacia's dating profile headshot.] I let my imagination go wild for a minute and was like, "she's got the mean yet mysterious look of a potential dominatrix. But, whatever! She's also stunning. Plus, I think I've met her before. So, I'm open to at least having a conversation." I'm so glad I did! But even after some delightful texting and chatting on the phone, there was room in my imagination for my concerns about her being a sadist or something to be realized. Thankfully for me, Stacia allayed my fears with one of her trademark, warm, friendly hugs the moment we met in person.

The bridal dress rental shop where I first met Stacia

—Belief Set #7—

Marriage ought to be my chief pursuit in life.

Twenty years of life in the Utah bubble has reinforced the false belief that finding one's eternal companion is one's greatest responsibility after returning home from serving an honorable full-time mission. Regardless of education, occupation (or any other interest), I believed that the number one goal of every righteous LDS single adult ought to be to become a righteous spouse and parent.

Discipleship > Marriage.

Many Christian singles mistakenly believe that God's primary goal for them is to get married. That's false. Elder Oaks taught in a 2016 facebook post that he hoped single, Latter-Day Saints would shift their deepest desires from becoming and husbands/wives (and fathers/mothers) to becoming disciples of Christ. Everything else is ancillary.

—Belief Set #8—

Perfection is possible now. 

Three Church teachings led me to believe this lie:

1. To His disciples, Christ declared, "be ye therefore perfect" (Matt. 5:48).  As a child, I didn't have a terrific grasp of the dimension of time. I'm sure, after this mortal life, I'll realize I never did. But for children, obedience always meant, RIGHT NOW.
2. Through God's servant Amulek, we learn that "this life" is our time (and only time) "to prepare to meet God" Alma 34:32-34. I understood this to mean that Judgement Day was like an end-of-semester final, the great and terrible summative exam. And mortality is our metaphoric study week provided before finals.
3. After we receiving our resurrected bodies at the judgment bar of God, we would be allowed no increase (D&C 131:1-4).

Perfection is an eternal pursuit.

Thanks in great part to these scripture verses, I believed that perfect behavior (not making mistakes) was possible in mortality. It took me a while to deprogram this one. I now believe that change is possible after physical death. "This life" doesn't end when the spirit is separated from the mortal body. As eternal beings, we will always learn and grow. This led me to realize that I don't have to be infallible in order to be worthy of a marriage relationship. Why? Because neither I nor the person whom I marry, will not be the same person 100 or 1,000,000 years from now. This realization was the key to my decision to shift my purpose in life from striving for excellence (a.k.a. perfection) to striving for growth.

I now see my former belief—that I could be perfect now—as a mockery of Christ's earthly mission and atonement. How could I have believed that anyone of us was, also, able to play the role of Savior for ourselves…with a little help from Him along the way?!

While I still strive for daily discipleship, I am letting go of the need to not make mistakes along the way, allowing the Atonement of Christ to have a greater impact in my life. I'm letting go of the belief that God is gravely disappointed in me when I sin. That belief has shifted to God being heartwarmingly sorrowful with me for my suffering as a result of sin. He stands eternally ready to extend mercy through His Son's atoning sacrifice, allowing peace and redemption to flow into my life.

"Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually" by Elder Holland, in the October 2017 General Conference explains this principle well.

Righteousness is not binary.

We cannot categorize ourselves as either righteous or wicked. While we can act, speak, and think righteously or unrighteously, our lives are more complicated than that. Righteousness, to me, is doing my best to follow God's designated path towards Him. However, He never said the strait path would be a straight one. Our individual journeys along the path of righteousness will be accentuated with beautiful bumps and unique scenic routes (growth opportunities).

The scriptures talk about righteous works, but there are also righteous intents. We may not always act righteously. But we can always repent, turn our hearts to the Lord, and desire our future actions to be more Christlike (D&C 59:8-14). Deathbed confessions and 11th-hour Christians are prime examples of people who may have lived a life of sin and but are welcomed by Christ in the very moment they earnestly commit to a life of Christlike discipleship (Matt 20:1-16). Their works are enough because Christ's Grace is always sufficient.

Repentance is not the backup plan.

I was raised in a culture that taught that sin was shameful and that God was disappointed with sinners. I had a faulty understanding of the role of repentance in God's Plan of Salvation. “Repentance is not a backup plan in case our plan to live perfectly fails. It is not just for big sins but is a daily process for self-improvement…Living perfectly is not the plan. Repentance is the plan. Jesus Christ is the plan.” —Elder Ashton, October 2016

—Belief Set #9—

Therapy is for weirdos.

For most of my life, I've publically supported therapy as a good, healthy, positive thing for people to do. But secretly, I harbored the belief that going to therapy was tantamount to being sent to the principal's office. Media taught me that "seeing a therapist" was something people were compelled to do—as a last resort—by their frantic families or by the state. No one went to therapy of their own free will! And if therapy attendees ever did publicly extol its virtues, they were just trying to justify their own reluctant attendance.

Therapy is awesome!

Healing happens through connection, not perfection. BYU's group therapy room was my place for initially practicing vulnerability. As I shared my imperfections with the group, I discovered that people generally have difficulty connecting with those who never make mistakes. People can totally relate to imperfection because everyone experiences it. That relatability is even stronger when it is presented in a confident and authentic way. I discovered that it matters very little to others what shameful things I've done; they care way less about it than I do. Paradoxically, it's in looking "bad" that I become more attractive to others.  I discovered that others enjoy being around me more now that I'm not trying to be some inaccessible paragon of perfection. And far more importantly, I like myself better. Gradually, I began to feel safe being me—without my armor of perceived perfection. (Without practice, I never would have attempted this.)

The Japanese art of kintsugi, illustrates the idea that it's okay to be broken. All things break over time. Broken things can be made even more beautiful than they once were after their mending.

I highly recommend talking to a professional counselor. They can help you uncover your own life-sabotaging beliefs. Here's a couple of foundational truths that helped me get rolling: everything is rooted in worthiness issues. Fighting what is, is futile. Accept, and let go of that struggle.

—Belief Set #10—

I am not enough.

Basically, I spent my whole life believing that I wasn't enough. I didn't know that I believed that, but it was apparent in all of my actions and interactions. I would get good grades and achieve, achieve, achieve, in an effort to hustle for the approval of my parents and anyone else around me. Validation from others was required in the absence of self-acceptance. If someone took offense at something I said or did, I would chastise myself and immediately look for ways to change in order to not make the same "mistake" again. My needs were always subordinate to the whims of others. I wish I had heard & believed the following quote,

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. —Unknown

I am enough; right now, as I am.

Looking back now, I can't believe I allowed myself to buy into the ridiculous belief that one has to be perfect in order to be worthy of a marriage relationship! Everyone is imperfect (flawed). Now I know that "perfect" was never a prerequisite for marriage, let alone possible. 

This belief can be easily observed: Take any "perfect" marriage relationship. Ask any of them if they are perfect. Their answer will be "no". So if no one is perfect, then how is it that so many people are happily married? Imperfect people must be marrying imperfect people! *Mind blown!* The reality is, no one can rightly expect anyone else to be perfect. Not our spouses, not God, and especially not ourselves.

Conclusion 

I hope this blog post will serve as a conversation starter, especially for my single friends. Please reach out to me if you'd care to swap stories or discuss any of these ideas further. I'd love to hear if and how you relate to any of my stories.