Toward Imperfection

TL;DR — For the past 20+ years, I have begun to slowly release my need for perfection. My first step was to recognize that perfection was neither possible nor healthy. I then began moving toward greater personal calm, enthusiasm for life, & productivity by practicing mindfulness while cultivating a growth mindset philosophy by embracing imperfection.

Introduction

In an effort to make my blogposts more readable, I'm going to attempt to limit the content to "just the juicy, personal stuff" from now on. (I.e., No more meanderings through topics.)

This post has three sections. Each one includes a key phrase that serves as a snapshot of how I viewed my relationship with perfectionism during 3 different periods of my life. Additionally, I share a personal example to illustrate each key phrase.

1) I Need to Be Perfect

"Please bless me to do my best in everything I do."

This personal nightly prayer was one of the reoccurring events that solidified my perfectionistic tendencies as a child. Imagine my innocent and earnest 7-year-old voice squeaking this out. Little did I know, my desire to actively engage in life would prove to be a double-edged sword. For on the one hand, my abundance of positive psychology allowed me to approach life with abandon and passion unimagined by my peers. And since no one was old enough to be really good at anything yet, and I happened to have an aptitude for most things, I succeeded at not only doing my best, but performing better than the rest. (Naturally, I confused the two.) No one told me that eventually, I would not be the best at everything I tried. And so—gradually over time—I learned to stop participating in things as they became "harder." In hindsight, a better prayer might have been: "Please bless me to approach everything I do with focused effort and a good attitude."

Personal Example: Piano Lessons

One of the ways my perfectionism manifested itself at an early age was when I quit piano. At some point, I was no longer capable of memorizing sheet music, which necessitated that actually learn read the notes. That was the day I quit. My subconscious rationale was that if I had to show others I was imperfect (especially compared to my sisters), I wouldn't do it. Instead, I was permitted to pick up guitar, which allowed me to continue memorizing notes, and only required me to play a handful of favorite pieces.

2) It's Okay Not to Be Perfect

[Re: business ideas] "Any brilliant idea I come up with is wrong, until it is tested by my target audience."

This phrase was inspired by my university professor in my grant writing class. One week, our homework assignment was to come to class prepared with a problem we felt needed to be solved in the world and our solution for it. I worked very hard to come up with a problem that I thought I could solve. When we reunited as a class, our professor absolutely thrashed each of our ideas. His singular take-home message for us that day was this: without consulting your target audience, your business ideas will fail 99.99% time. In that moment, I realized I could never come up with the perfect solution to a problem on my own. But maybe perfection isn't the goal after all.

Personal Example: [Re: My Guilty pleasure] Yoked to the Savior

I still remember reading for the first time about when the Savior commanded His disciples to be perfect, I understood that it was absurd to believe perfection might be achieved on one's own, in this life. As reiterated by Elder Lynn G. Robbins in the April 2018 LDS General Conference, we know that God does not only think it's "okay" for us to be imperfect, it's part of His plan. According to LDS beliefs, God sent His spirit children to earth (without memories of Him or our lives as spirits before) in order for us to receive preparatory, mortal bodies and grow (through our use of agency) to become more like Him. This growth process involves being bad at first, but become better through effortful practice. But despite our best efforts, we can never be perfect on our own. Fortunately for us, Jesus Christ is at the center of God's plan. His atoning mission was to sanctify us before God, allow us to receive divine guidance to learn how to be more like Him. E.g., We, like regatta sailboats that don't sail straight, must tack back-and-forth along the strait and narrow path on a course towards exaltation.

3) Perfection Is An Illusion; A Non-existant Ideal.

"Direction (values) is more important than destination (goals)."

I've been occasionally seeing a cognitive behavior therapist for the past many months to help me think about the my perfectionistic tendencies. (It's been wonderfully productive.) He asks a lot of questions. For example, "why do I want certain things in life?" "Have any of my goals had ever disappeared for one reason or another?" "Does the fact that my sometimes-disappeared goals affect my overarching reasons for pursuing them?" "What if there were no finish line?" "What if I arbitrarily invent a finish line that ultimately doesn't have much significance?" And "Which serve as better emotional anchors—transitory goals, or permanent values?" This line of reasoning lead me to believe the conclusory phrase, "direction (values) is more important than destination (goals)."

Personal Example: Dissertation Writing

When I entered my IP&T graduate program at BYU, I was warned by countless professors, "Writer's block is real! Procrastination is a serious barrier! But the key to finishing a large document is to just write a certain number of pages a day. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE GOOD. One approach some people find success with is to put your butt in your chair and forbid yourself from getting up until you've reached your goal. (As a perfectionist, the prospect of eternally siting in my chair terrified me, so I categorically—and foolishly—dismissed any writing advice offered.) 

"I didn't need any help writing!" I told myself. "I was a PhD student with plenty of experience under me. I loved writing. I was good at it. I'd always gotten by before. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

It only took me 6 years to disabuse myself of the delusion that I was somehow superior to everyone else, and that this advice didn't apply to me.

Now, my entire mindset has changed. When I sit down to write, I choose to get excited about writing something truly horrible. And thanks to this new approach, I am no longer plagued by the the need to actively avoid writing a perfect draft. I just sit down, pick up where I left off, and plug away. Deadlines still freak me out a little bit. But my journey towards growth is ongoing.

Conclusion

Perfectionism = Bad
Growth = Good

P.s. I wish I could find an official workbook by Dr. Brené Brown to accompany her debut pop-psych book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.