What To Do When Someone Challenges Your Deepest Beliefs

Introduction 

Quiz Question: You suddenly find yourself engaged in a cordial but controversial discussion with someone who has equally strong yet opposite moral standards and values as you have. You are respectfully asked to share your opinion on the topic. How do you proceed?

A) [AVOID] In an effort to avoiding contention, you hold firm to your beliefs internally, but resist voicing them. Instead of engaging further, you attempt to delicately steer the conversation to a less divisive topic upon which you can both agree.

B) [RESEARCH] You haven't yet developed a firm position on the topic. And you are unafraid to say so. If the topic is intriguing, you ask the person you're speaking with for some resources and promise to return after researching both sides of the topic.

C) [SUBMIT] Disagreeing makes you feel nervous. The other person has some strong points, and you feel unable to adequately defend your position on the topic. Desiring to maintain a spirit of harmony, you sidestep the question by temporarily setting aside your own beliefs, refocusing the attention on the other person's position. (Always Sunny video clip of the image below.)

D) [DEBATE] You love a good ol' honest debate! You begin by clearly stating and justifying your own position, then inviting the opposition to put forth a worthy rebuttal. Your mind is resolute, yet open to rebuttal. Reason shall prevail!

E) [ENGAGE DIPLOMATICALLY] Since the mood is respectful, you confidently share what your conviction is and why it is important to you. This is different than a debate because you do not need the opposing side to "lose" in order to feel like you've successfully defended your position. You support a dialogue which clearly demonstrates your desire to empathize with those whose opinions and choices differ from your own. It's a seemingly tricky balance, but you are able to navigate it with love and perspective.

Which response did you choose?
A) Avoid
B) Research
C) Submit
D) Debate
E) Diplomat

Correct Answer) Like the answer to most questions, I think the correct response here is, "it depends." I've actually employed each of these approaches depending on the situation. However, there are some universal strategies you can use to navigate all of them.

Tips For Navigating Potentially-Contentious Conversations:

Avoid Collusion by Cultivating a Heart at Peace.

Collusion never need be a part of conversation. (Collusion is a conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they're fighting against. Conflict is something you are powerless to influence have happen to us.  For an example of how to avoid collusion in a bullying situation, see this video.)

We can avoid participating in collusion when we have a heart at peace. Having a "heart at peace" is a central concept in The Arbinger Institute's international bestseller, The Anatomy of Peace. In it, philosopher Martin Buber argued that there are two ways that influence our way of being in the world. One way is to see others as people. The other is to see others as objects.

When I see others as objects, I dwell on the injustices I have suffered in order to justify myself, keeping my mistreatments and suffering alive within me. When I see others as people, one the other hand, then I free myself from the need for justification. I therefore free myself from the need to focus unduly on the worst that has been done to me.  I am free to leave the worst behind me, and to see not only the bad but the mixed and good in others as well.  But none of that is possible if my heart is at war.  A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace. Make no mistake.  The outward wars around us started because of an inward war that went unnoticed: someone started seeing others as objects, and others used that as justification for doing the same. This is the germ, and germination, of war. When we're carrying this germ, we're just wars waiting to happen (pp.104-5).

Whenever we blame others, feel like a victim, or become consumed with the question of who's right and who's wrong, we can know that our hearts are at war.

If we have beliefs we cherish and see others as people (not objects), then we know how important others' beliefs must be to them.

Seek Answers From the Lord (Before Turning to Facebook).

The more I study a specific topic, the more I realize how little I understand it. Why trust in the arm of the flesh, when God has a perfect understanding of all things (Mosiah 4:9).  When secular or spiritual controversies arise in my life, I have received answers ranging from general direction to explicit instruction from God's Word. According to Elder Anderson in a 2007 CES Devotion entitled, Hold Fast to the Words of the Prophets, the Word of God is a combination of three sources of truth: the words of ancient and modern prophets (D&C 13; 27:7-8, 12; 84:36), as well as divine, personal revelation.

True Harmony Can Only Be Achieved After Empathy Has Been Applied. (Applying Empathy Requires the Sacrifice of Pride.)

The way in which we share our truth comes off as belittling when the words we choose make us seem better than others. If the way in which I share my story directly belittles someone else, I must find another way.  While it is important to boldly stand for the truth, it is equally (if not more) important to make sure everyone feels loved and of equal worth, regardless of their beliefs or life choices.  I believe both are achievable. Hopefully, I am secure enough in my own beliefs that I can whole-heartedly empathize with someone with an opposing point of view.

Story time: When delinquent teens are taken to a rehab facility they are tricked into thinking that  they are going to Disneyland.  In these cases, it is natural for kids to want to run away from the facility the first chance they get. How would you handle a runaway situation?  One treatment facility called Mount Mariah demonstrated exemplary empathy in it's effort to invite the a runaway girl named Jenny back to their facility.

Jenny ran off shoeless in less than 30 minutes after being dropped off. After pursuing her for some distance, the two facility employees who had been running along behind her and unsuccessfully trying to engage her in conversation noticed that her feet had become bloodied on the hot, Arizona asphalt. They offered to call in shoes for her.  She swore at them in reply. Then one of the pursuant removed her own shoes. More swearing. What happen next astounded me! Both pursuants discarded their shoes on the side of the road and continued with the girl until she reached her destination—a mall more 3 hours away where a friend was working. When the mall friend had heard the entire story, she commiserated with Jenny. Then noticing the bloodied feet of the two facility workers nearby, she suggested to her friend that the facility might not be such a bad place. Jenny, finally having expressed her frustration, humbled herself and opened up to the two employees who were the first ones to treat her like a person—an equal—in a long time. (The Anatomy of Peace, p. 152-7)

“Empathy. Sounds pretty inadequate, but it is a place to start. We may not be able to alter the journey, but we can make sure no one walks it alone. Surely that is what it means to bear one another’s burdens.” —Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Often Times, the Things Others Choose to Criticize Us for Are the Very Things for Which They, Themselves, Feel Insufficient.

We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency. —Brené Brown, Daring Greatly.

People regularly don't mean it when they say hurtful things.  I learned this lesson in elementary school. My parents taught me that kids often speak in "code." When they call me ugly or stupid, many times it's because they feel ugly or stupid themselves and are desperate for ways to make themselves feel better. They mistakenly believe that by putting someone else down, they can elevate themselves emotionally. To illustrate the principle in a more adult setting, someone may feel insecure about some aspect about themselves and then feel the need to demean someone else to make themselves feel good. (E.g., I believe the lie that I am a bad parent because my child has anger issues.  Because I am insecure about my own parenting, I will rag on helicopter parents' choice to interview boys before taking their daughters out on dates for hovering unnecessarily over their kids.)

When we notice ourselves speaking out or act out against others it is worth asking, "am I feeling deficient in some way?" Be like Jefe in this iconic clip from The Three Amigos.

Value Other's Agency.

One reason I believe God is a loving heavenly father (as opposed to an impassioned supreme being) is because he has given us agency.  If he were either a tyrant or ambivalent towards us, I imagine he would have compelled us to believe in Him and forced us to act a certain way.  I cherish the divine gift of agency that allows for us all to believe different things.  In sharing the things I know are true, I try to follow Heavenly Father's example by not forcing my beliefs on anyone else.  The only way a person can be convinced of spiritual truths is by following Moroni's promise (Mor. 10:3-5). (Note: these verses contextually deal with discovering the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. However, the pattern taught therein applies to gaining a spiritual knowledge of all things). We must knock, ask, and seek the Lord if we want answers to life's questions, especially regarding the things that are of most worth in this life.

Invoke Divinely-Bestowed Confidence by Practicing Proper Spiritual Hygiene.

During His earthly minister, Jesus Christ demonstrated how to respond charitably to those who challenged his deepest beliefs. When asked if he was the Son of God, He was always ready with the perfect response. To Caiaphas, Christ fulfilled prophecy by replying, "I am." To Pontius Pilate, Christ misdirected saying, "my kingdom is not of this world." His response to Herod's many questions was silence.

We too can confidently respond as we have God's Spirit as our companion. But in order to have God's Spirit dwell inside of us, we must practice proper spiritual hygiene. When I remember God throughout the day, communing with Him in regular prayer, and learning of Him through daily scripture study, I do not feel afraid when responding to people who challenge my beliefs. When God's Spirit is with me, I feel empowered to respond charitably to any question presented to me with power and authority.

The gift of the Holy Ghost...quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands, and purifies all the natural passions and affections, and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates, and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings, and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness, and charity. It develops beauty of person, form, and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation, and social feeling. It invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being. ― Parley P. Pratt

Conclusion

I believe there is a always a way to appropriately and effectively respond to those who challenge my own personal values while still showing compassion to those who are exploring different paths.  The Savior did it every day of His ministry. In fact, He went out of his way to converse with the "spiritually sick." As I see others as people, seek truth from the Lord first, embody empathy, practice the Master Teacher's divine attributes, value other's agency, and maintain our own spiritual hygiene, I will become more like Him and learn to not only effortlessly navigate these seemingly impossible encounters, but seek them out daily.