Top 10 Non-Sarcastic Responses to 'Why Are You Still Single?'

Here's a collection of 10 responses I've actually used over the years to fend off grannies and the like:

1. The Awkward Reverse. "Ahhhhh, the ole' 'why are you single' question — the question that philosophers, psychiatrists, psychologists, business experts, botanists, astrologists, astronomers, academics, mechanics, writers, marketers, journalists, politicians, and the guy working at my neighborhood VASA Fitness center wrestle with. Yeah…I don’t think I know the answer either. Why do you think I’m single?"
2. The Obvious. "Well, it's likely because I haven't found the right person yet."
3. The Comical. "I’m on a dating fast. Except it’s not really a fast as it is feeling like I’m in the desert and barely surviving. Food and water, like potential relationships, are really just a mirage." *Break from gazing into distance.* "Wait….what was the question?"
4. The Intellectual. "Like Emily Dickinson, I am seeing what happens when the sun and fog contest the government of each day. When the sun takes out it’s yellow whip, and drives the fog away, I will no longer be single."
5. The Metaphor. "I've trapped myself in a mental prison of my own creation. I've been attempting to tunnel under the moat using the gate key. But don't worry, I haven't given up!"
6. The Optimist. "Because I figure I’ll wait till I find someone who I’m really interested in giving my time to. Someone who makes me feel wonderful and who feels wonderful with me. Life is too short to not be with someone whom I can truly love, you know?"
7. The Penitent. "Because I’ve made some bad choices up to this point. I shamefully pushed away the one or ones who would have made great partners. At the time, at my core, I didn’t think I deserved all the goodness they offered."
8. The Selfish. "I'll be honest. This might sound selfish, but I am focusing on myself. I know I don't have to be perfect, but I feel compelled to get some things in my life in order before becoming a husband and father."
9. The Heartbreaker. I'm single by choice. Just not my choice.
10. The Big Picture. "What’s wrong with being single? Yes, meaningful companionship is essential but one's life shouldn’t be any less valuable in the absence of a marriage relationship."

Most non-married people I've talked to resent being asked this question. I imagine most either 1) don't know the answer themselves, or 2) have an idea, but essentially don't trust the asker with their true feelings because the conversation lacks the emotional safety to merit a genuine response. In either case, a well-meaning question is inevitably perceived as an offense and consequentially elicits defensive fight-or-flight responses in the form of witty or sardonic one-liner comebacks (e.g., enjoy these examples). 

My preferred personal responses to this question over the years have always included two guidelines: 1) answer honestly, and 2) don't make the other person feel like a jerk for asking. I still try to end the conversation as quickly as possible—not because I dislike them, or misconstrue their concern for my happiness—I just don't trust most people with my feels. In my opinion, pre-requisite discussion and trust is required before this particular question can be appropriately addressed. Here are some ways to earn my trust:

• 101 ways to build trust
• VitalSmarts teaches seven effective steps to navigate high-stakes conversations when emotions run high in their book, Crucial Conversations: Start With Heart, Learn To Look, Make It Safe, Master My Stories, STATE My Path, Explore Others' Paths, Move To Action

Here's an simple rule of thumb to follow when deciding whether or not to ask a person-not-currently-in-a-relationship why they aren't married: Don't do it. Fewer than 12.5% people who have asked me in the past have been satisfied with the response I gave anyway. (Note: Before asking, they were 100% confident the conversation would go well. If you are < 100% confident, don't ask. "Wait, those stats don't apply to me because my intentions are so pure," you might tell yourself. "There's no way my asking could be misinterpreted as anything but having loving concern. I'm not one of those crazy aunts." Yes. You are.)

Here's the principle: Regardless of your intentions, without first establishing the necessary emotional safety required to have a meaningful, two-way conversation, your attempt at concern/support is likely doomed to end in hurt feelings and passive-aggressive defensiveness. (Caution: I regularly use what is said during these high-emotion conversations to help inform the level of our friendship moving forward.) For me, in the absence of safety, the best possible response to any reply I come up with is to stop the conversation, apologize for asking the question in the first place, and find a less sensitive way to express your support in the future (like by giving me cookies for simply being awesome).

Image Source: VitalSmarts Resource Page