Sarcasm: A Personal Reflection

TL;DR — After some deep thinking, I've concluded that sarcasm is a waste of my time. Read on if you'd like to know why.

Cicero, in On the Orator, says that, “The most common kind of joke is that in which we expect one thing and another is said;…”

I don't "get" sarcasm.  I've never really caught on to the art of it (to which my loved ones can attest). Even my attempts at light-hearted facetiousness (a form of sarcasm) have been met with confusion, resulting in awkward attempts at explanation and apologies.  To make things worse, my natural dryness regularly come off as sarcasm when it's not intending to be. 

To avoid future awkwardness, I'd either need to hone my skill, or cut sarcasm out of my communication completely.  To help me decide what to do, I read 10 web articles after searching the most-applicable queries related to sarcasm.  (Note: I grouped the following like terms: satiric, facetious, sarcastic, and sardonic, which all say one thing and meaning another, and often involve a flippant or demeaning intention.)

Below, I share some of my favorite sarcasm-related thoughts I picked up as I read.  (Note: I tried to not place any value judgement on sarcasm.  In other words, I don't see sarcasm as either good or bad; it just is.  However, the initial research itself appears to be rather one sided.)

What is Sarcasm?

• Definitions:
• Sarcastic: 1. a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain.  2. a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.  (I.e., acid jokes.)
• Sardonic: disdainfully or skeptically humorous : derisively mocking  (I.e., being a jerk, but not sounding like it.)
• Facetious: joking or jesting often inappropriately :  flippant or waggish.  (I.e., inappropriate attempts at humor.)
• Satirical: a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc. : humor that shows the weaknesses or bad qualities of a person, government, society, etc.  (I.e., a more acceptable art of mocking typically through characterization.)
• It’s not surprising that the origin of the word sarcasm derives from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.”  Hence, it’s no wonder that sarcasm is often preceded by the word “cutting,” and that it hurts. 
• Sarcasm is scorn in subversive style.
• Sarcasm is a barbed mode of communication.
• Sarcasm is an awfully nuanced means of communication—too nuanced.
• Sarcasm is easy (as is most anger, criticism and meanness) while true, harmless wit takes talent.
• Despite smiling outwardly, most people who receive sarcastic comments feel put down and usually think the sarcastic person is a jerk.
• I’m not saying all sarcasm is bad.  It’s just better used sparingly – like a potent spice in cooking.  Too much spice and the dish will be overwhelmed by it.
• Researchers say that recognition of sarcasm is a sign of intelligence in children.
• Despite smiling outwardly, most people who receive sarcastic comments feel put down and usually think the sarcastic person is a jerk.
• If you want to be happier and improve your relationships, cut out sarcasm since sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor.

Why are we Sarcastic?

• John Haiman, a linguist at Macalester College in St. Paul, Minn., says people who use sarcasm are rarely just kidding. The words come from an authentic place, but it’s wrapped up as a joke for protection.  Essentially, sarcasm is a survival technique for the insecure.  It’s used to make yourself appear to be stronger or better, but it’s not said with enough seriousness for anyone to accuse you of being a jerk (even though they probably think it).
• Another interesting finding of Haiman’s study: Sarcasm is most frequent in the extremes of your social circles—the people you know least and the people you know best. From Siri and sitcoms to The Onion and Twitter, sarcasm is practically an official language for strangers.  It’s also why the spouse who gets home late from work might be greeted by a dry, “So glad you could join us.”
• A friend told Haiman, “show me a sarcastic person and I will show you a wounded person. And I can tell you where their wound is too.”  When we poke fun at health nuts who go to the gym every day, doesn’t that have its roots in some small shame for not being a little more like them?
• When things probe open wounds in our hearts, we chase them out with sarcasm.  It’s how we keep ourselves from admitting we’re not as tough as we wish we were.  Perhaps that’s why we’re more sarcastic than we’d like around people we truly love.
• The husband who is concerned about his wife’s eating disorder but doesn’t know how to address it will only joke with her to “not overdo it” when she orders a dangerously small salad.
• The mother who is concerned about her teenager’s lack of motivation will toss out a biting little “don’t work too hard” as she goes out to mow the lawn.
• Our love for others opens us up to things we don’t know how to address, pains we don’t know how to treat, and fears we don’t know how to face.  So, we joke about it.  And in doing so, we cut the people we love down to size.
• And, if someone’s feelings get hurt then, well, they just need to chill.  We’re only joking, after all.  (I know it's uncool to say, "see what I did there," but, did you see what I did there? …There I go again with my awkward explanations.)

What do the Scriptures Say?

• Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no,’ ” says Jesus in Matthew 5.  “Anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”  He’s talking about the archaic biblical practice of making oaths, but you don’t need to be a Greek scholar to see the broader implications.  Let your “yes” be “yes.”  Say what you mean.  Give nobody any reason to doubt what your word is.  Especially not yourself.

• Ephesians 4:29 — "Don't use foul or abusive language.  Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."
• I won’t say to never be sarcastic.  Wielded carefully, it’s a useful linguistic tool.  God, sounding a bit wounded Himself, uses it in Judges when the Israelites ask Him for a little help after decades of worshiping idols: “Go and cry out to the gods whom you have chosen; let them save you in the time of your distress!”  Sarcasm isn't always problematic—but using sarcasm as a substitute for what we really mean isn't only ineffective, it's ultimately wounding.
• Our culture will perhaps continue to be mercilessly sarcastic.  It’s a tough habit to break.  Sarcasm never exists in a void, and can usually find its roots in some unexplored wound.  But would that wound heal faster, maybe, if we weren’t so insistent on using sarcasm to pick the scab?

Conclusion

You’ve probably heard it said, “I can’t always tell when you’re being real and when you’re being sarcastic.” Perhaps it's because the line between “real” and “joking” isn’t as thick as we think.

The rules for using non-offensive "sarcasm" are too nuanced for me.  I never want to have to say, "I'm just kidding." For now, I'll find other ways to joke around. I hereby resolve to…

Key Sources

• LDS Ensign
• PsychologyToday.com
• RelevantMagazine.com
• ScienceOfPeople.com
• Your comments — I'd love to hear your pros and cons regarding sarcasm.