OMGosh! He is SUCH a PLAYER!

This is the Saddest Thing I Heard All Week

"I have to be super careful about who I ask out on dates now because I'm getting a reputation as a player in my ward." —A male friend and alleged player

I was furious when I heard this. So now I'm taking it out on my keyboard! YSAs don't know what they're talking about. Dating culture is obviously broken, and I hope that sharing my thoughts here might do something to help fix it! If you are one of the five people that reads this, God bless you.

My friend is one of the coolest guys I know. To protect his identify, we'll call him Eddie.  Eddie is a hardworking, funny, athletic, 27-year-old professional living in Provo, Utah—a catch by any standard.  Unfortunately, Eddie has been branded a player by both men and women in his YSA ward. He feels he has earned their condemnation due to the fact that he had exclusively dated three girls and casually dated a dozen more in his ward over the past two years. (Qualifier: "exclusive dating" implies kissing.)  While you may denounce Eddie as a player also, I have a plethora of problems with this notion.

Problem #1 — Like Jefe from The Three Amigos, many YSAs do not actually know the meaning of the word in question.

Urban Dictionary defines a player as a "male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex. Possibly derived from the phrases 'play him for a fool,' or 'play him like a violin.'  The definition of the term was popularized by contemporary hip-hop culture, but was commonly recognized among urban American blacks by the 1970s." E.g., El Guapo, from The Three Amigos, fits the definition of a player to a T.  He woos women with words of love, but sexual intimacy is his ultimate and only objective.

My friend Eddie on the other hand, cannot be characterized as a player merely because he dates a lot or has consequentially has kissed an irrelevant number of girls. The key characteristic of a player is his internal motivation.  Had anyone paused to actually talk with Eddie about his dating goals instead of jumping to judgement, they would see this.  Would Eddie be seen differently if he were totally committed, and his girlfriends were the ones who broke off their respective relationships with him?

Based on personal observation, some YSAs are quick to mislabel anyone (male or female) a player, ho, or slut who has met even one of the following erroneous criteria:

• Kissed two or more people within three months
• Held hands with two or more people within a month
• Casually dated two or more people within a two weeks
• Believe in dating many people, rather that waiting for the one
• "Flirted" with more than five people between church meetings on any given Sunday
• Mentioned at a party that it's okay to date two roommates—at different times, of course
• Stated that it's okay to kiss someone before knowing you want to be married to them

I've heard YSAs use the term, player, non-ironically, in every one of the circumstances above. Conservative daters (those who are particularly sensitive to the expression of physical affection in relationships) might agree that the top bullet point is a defining characteristic of a player, and that's okay; everyone is different and entitled to their feelings.

But ask yourself this extreme hypothetical question: is it better for YSA men to kiss all the girls in the ward, or to not go on any dates at all?  The sad reality is that we hover closer to the "no one is dating" side of the spectrum.  A day may come when the Church will need to promote more careful, conservative dating for mid-20-somethings, but it is not this day!  I can see The Salt Lake Tribune headline now: "YSA Bishop Encourages Ward Members to Kiss More to Stymie Marriage Drought!"  (My Salt Lake YSA bishopric actually endorsed this over the pulpit in 2012.)

Problem #2 — We are Christians!  Why are we name calling in the first place?

Stop judging.  Just stop.  Think.  Why am I gossiping and name calling?  In the New Testament, we are taught the lesson of the Mote and the Beam.  Christ called people hypocrites who saw fault in others, but failed to first examine themselves.  He said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged" (Matt 7:1-5).  But even if our accusations are justified, Christ also taught in the parable of the Unforgiving Servant that we ought not to judge others if we, ourselves, are to avoid divine judgement (Matt. 18:23-35).

Problem #3 — If you're not in the relationship, you have no right to talk about it.

YSAs are way too nosy.  What might happen if we butted out of other people's dating relationships altogether?  I'll tell you what would happen—the health of the ward family would increase, there would be greater unity, less hurt feelings, and more marriages.

It has been said that we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions. You might think you know what's going on in someone else's heart and mind, but unless you are telepathically connected, you actually know nothing. And we all know what happens when you start guessing at about things you think are seemingly self evident…

It reminds of Brian Regan's rule for asking women if they are pregnant.  His rule is something like, don't do it ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...EVER!
Well, the same thing goes for discussing other people's relationships.  Just DON'T—even if you are friends!  It's okay to talk to a guy or girl about their current dating life, but never about anyone else's. This may be a giant sacrifice for you, but I promise, it will be worth it.

Problem #4 — YSAs don't understand, or have lost sight of, the true purpose of dating.

Young Single Adults (YSAs ages 18-31) think casual dating is reserved for the Youth of the Church (ages 16-18).  I've seen twenty-two year old girls are like, "Let's get down to business! There's not much time left to find my eternal companion." Many young women consider whether or not their gentleman caller has eternal companion potential on their first date, as they should.  However, a problem arises when they think they're ready for the big commitment after only a third date.  Apparently, courtship (or steady dating) is dead in contemporary YSA dating culture. This my friends, is a major problem.

The LDS Church reminded us in a recent publication that there are actually two kinds of dating:

To begin with, the general term dating may be a little confusing, since nowadays it sometimes seems to imply something a little more serious than what we intend it to mean in relation to youth in the Church. There are two different types of dating: casual dating and steady (or serious) dating. The distinction between the two has to do with exclusivity. 

Casual Dating —With casual dating, there is no exclusivity. The two people aren’t “a couple” or “an item,” and they don’t refer to each other as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” They don’t pair off. People who are casually dating are simply friends. This is the kind of dating the Church encourages you to do after you turn 16. You should put aside a need to find a “one and only.” If you’re dating casually, you don’t expect a relationship to become a romance. You have fun; you do a variety of things with a variety of people.

Steady Dating — On the other hand, steady dating means the couple is exclusive with one another. They expect each other not to date anyone else or to be emotionally or physically close with other people. Couples who date seriously consider the future, because there is a real possibility they could stay together. This is the kind of dating the Church encourages young adults (generally, people in their 20s) to progress toward, because that’s the age when they should be thinking of marrying.

Casual dating is essential for strong, healthy relationships.  Eager for the blessings of eternal marriage, many YSAs are tempted to pass over casual dating and jump straight to serious dating and engagement; it's natural for everyone to long for a little romance initially—a common mistake.
When casual dating is passed over, it not only foregoes essential development inherent in that relationship season, but it mucks up the entire dating organism for YSAs in the ward and in their connected social circles.

This diagram, featured in the Church's article, Unsteady Dating, illustrates the stages of a healthy relationship. The top three stages can be categorized generally as “friendship” stages. Most relationships will stay in the acquaintance and friendship stages. The bottom three belong to the “romance” category. As you progress through these stages toward marriage, the number of members of the opposite sex you interact with decrease and the depth or seriousness of the relationship increases.

Problem Summary

Good guys don't want a bad rep, so they date even less to avoid the player label.

Solution #1 (Male/Female) — Don't be a player.

• The reality is that there are some morally short-sighted guys out there who are only in the dating game in order to selfishly fulfill their sexual appetites. If your intentions are to "love 'em and leave 'em," I'm sorry for you.  Your value system is inhibiting you from experiencing the genuine joy found in deeper relationships. Consider learning more about the benefits of establishing an eternal family.  Here's a link to my Mormon.org profile.
• If you are an unapologetic player, make your intentions known to the men or women you date at the outset of your relationships.
• The desired outcome will be the same.  It might even speed up the process for you.
• Hiding your intentions frustrates women who are earnestly seeking deeper emotional relationships, in addition to just the physical. 
• Your behavior taints the dating waters and makes the efforts of those of us who are earnestly dating-to-marry that much more difficult.  Both men and women can struggle for years dealing with the emotional baggage you've saddled them with.  We all deserve so much better! Treat people with respect.

Solution #2 (Male/Female) — All ward members must date more.

• If every person dated more, the cultural norm would change from its current state. Those who used to be called "heart-breaking players" would instead be called "righteous daters."
• No one would have time for feelings of jealously or criticism when everyone is going on dates—or at least has the hope of going on dates.
• If everyone becomes a so-called "player," then no one is a"player."

Solution #3 (Male/Female) — Shake dating complacency by seeking to understand the gospel doctrines behind dating.

• Start with the doctrine of Eternal Families and the Plan of Salvation. 
• The better you understand these truths, the greater your motivation will be to pursue them, and fewer obstacles will stand in your way of reaching your goals.
• Fight to overcome self-image issues by studying the divine nature of God and man.
• Repent and rid your life of pornography.
• If you need help eradicating pornography from your life, start by sharing your burden with someone who loves you and who holds the priesthood keys to help you repent and heal—your bishop.
• Recovery resources:
• Overcoming Pornography: An Online LDS Resource
• Addiction Recovery Program Website
• Individual Recovery Plan (PDF)
• Pray for divine help.
• Repeat a personal commitment to yourself like, "I do not look at sexually exciting images. That's just not who I am." And mean it.

Solution #4 (Male/Female) — Be open and honest about your feelings with those whom you do date.

• The player label creeps in when broken-hearted women are forced to invent reasons why their relationship didn't work out.  Be a man and talk to her—don't just disappear.
• Be open about:
• where you are in your relationship (especially at the end)
• time expectations for progression, and
• if you're concurrently dating other people casually
• I've noticed that while girls tend to focus on one guy at a time, guys tend to think differently. A guy may have five ladies he is casually dating at one time (A Fab Five List).  That's great. Regardless of your gender, don't hide the fact that you're casually dating.  But be discreet.
• Special note for men: Remember, ladies want to feel like they are a serious option for a man. The last thing they want is to feel used or played. Help them feel valued.

Solution #5 (Female/Male) — When a guy or girl finally asks you out—especially the one you've had your eye on—RELAX.

• Remember, despite the hours of fantasizing about an imaginary relationship you've mentally constructed, in reality, you don't know each other yet.  If you know you're a "quick mover," make a concerted effort to friendship and casually dating.
• On the flip side of the coin, to prevent the "love of your life" from running off after only the first date, openly communicate your interest in going out again.
• Part of my personal *dating philosophy involves going out with the same girl at least two to three times before determining I'm not into her. (I realize that's not the norm.) So, ladies, even if the first date doesn't go "well," please consider allow a guy to take you on a second date; he may have just been nervous.
• To help someone with nerves:
• Suggest another date idea based on a shared interest you discussed earlier.
• Let him know some specific times you're available in the next week. Perhaps he's afraid of infringing on your schedule.
• Casually but directly invite him to call or text you on a certain day, if you don't know your calendar.  Guys generally fear rejection.  If you reassure them that their text or call will be well received, they are much more likely to pursue that course of action.  If he texts you once, he won't be nervous to do it again after that.

*Dating Philosophy: On first dates, I can almost guarantee I'll be nervous and trying too hard to impress one another, so it nearly impossible for either one of us to get a clear read on our potential chemistry. For a second date, I will plan something completely different than the first date so I can see her in a different setting.  It also gives us a chance to basically log more hours together, converse, and probe around for any red flags.  After a third date, I feel like I can safely make some initial assumptions about what I like and dislike about the girl I'm with.  Three dates also gives her time to adjust to me.  Because guys typically the ones doing the asking, they have more preparation time to think about how they feel about the girls they ask out.  Girls need time to catch up and decide if they like the guy doing the asking.  Our first date might be terrible, but if we like each other more and more after each subsequent date, that is a good sign that we should continue moving forward.  All the while, during these initial dates, we are just getting to know one another without the expectation of romance.  I reserve kissing for exclusive relationships. Flirtatious handholding and cuddling are stepping stones I use to express physical affection and show interest in moving towards exclusivity.  However, I'm always respectful of what my date is comfortable with.

Solution #6 (Female/Male) — Be mature.

• After three dates, when your date says he/she doesn't think the relationship can be anything more than friendly, don't be mad or catty if he/she asks your permission to ask your roommate out.
• Lots of people end up marrying the roommate of someone they've dated.

Solution #7 (Female/Male) — Replace gossip and name-calling with encouraging the opposite gender to date more.  Publicly congratulate those who do.

• Again, since Mormon guys typically do the majority of the asking, we need to help them feel it's safe to date girls without being labeled as players, or heart breakers if they don't go on more than one date with you. Same goes for gals.
• Regularly ask them who they're interested in dating.  Then follow up with, "Awesome! Have you asked him/her out yet?"  Sometimes, all we need is that extra push.
• When you get a chance, recognize exemplary daters by subtly recognizing their contribution to appropriate dating culture in a public setting.  You could privately write them a note too, but only if you're ready to be asked out by them. Hehehe. (If they truly are prolific daters, this will undoubtedly come off as flirting.)

Solution #8 (Bishopric) — Make it okay for ward members to date multiple people in the same ward.

• There is power in authority.  Bishops have the authority to help establish culture at the ward level. In order to change the commonly held notion of daters being players, sometimes we need a call back to reality from the pulpit.

Conclusion

We need to stop inhibiting righteous Mormon men and women from pursuing their healthy dating relationship goals by socially ostracizing them with hurtful labels.  It all comes down to respect (the second great commandment).  Stop judging others.  Promote healthy casual & serious relationships. By following these suggested solutions, we can all better enjoy the benefits of healthy, bountiful relationships.