Film Review: TRANSFORMERS 4: AGE OF EXTINCTION

Dear:

• fellow Michael Bay haters,
• and people who are STILL unable to cope with a re-imagined 80's Transformers cartoon franchise,
• and those who were abruptly disenchanted with Transformers after the first film came out back in 2007,

Transformers: Age of Extinction is critic proof.  In terms Film Crit Hulk would understand, this franchise can't be smashed.  Bay knows it.  Hollywood knows it.  And the $104 million in opening weekend box office sales knows it.  The only reason anyone went to this T4 was to see the 10-second clip of Optimus Prime riding a T-rex. Film critics (who are concerned with story and meaning) will futilely bang their heads against a wall in their efforts to attack this film. "Trans-four-mores" was never intended to be a Nolan-esqe, deep-themed, psychological drama—it's your standard "we pay you money, you show us explosions" blockbuster transaction. Bay figured out this simple equation long ago: A successful Hollywood director has no need of a script or story—like a chemist, the successful blockbuster director just needs the right consistency of cars, girls, and explosions to sell movies.  And in that sense, Bay is uncompromisingly brilliant.  He's probably laughing at all of us film critics, right this very moment, on his California King bed made of stacks of $100 bills. 

Yannick LeJacq, an opinion writer with Kotoku invites potential viewers to forget having seen every other Transformers film (and every other Michael Bay film for that matter) and attempt to view Age of Extinction with fresh eyes. I tried to do that when I watched it the day after it released.  And it was refreshing.  Temporarily releasing my own Michael-Bay-biases was as refreshing for me as is the feeling I get after truly liberating yoga session. I felt relaxed and clean. Then the intro credits began to roll...and all that baggage came flooding back.  Here are my scattered-brained impressions of the film:

• Internally fighting my biases as film begins
• Producers trying very hard to connect with the mid-west demographic
• Bay's depiction of the American heartland is ultra-patriotic
• American flags not just in ever scene—IN EVERY SHOT
• Stereotypes and tropes galore, trope, trope, trope
• LAMBO!
• teenage booty shorts
• adolescent issues #teenprobs
• Wahlberg speaks too fast, like he's still on the set of Entourage
• Did Bay tell Wahlberg to speed up in order to fit more explosions in later?
• FINALLY—Optimus's money shot in the barn!
• (Flags still in every single shot)
• Stanley Tucci makes a great Steve Jobs
• Kelsey Grammar also plays his part exceptionally well
• Exit comic relief gone—sad—no more funnies
• CIA storyline very believable
• Family storyline not believable
• Transformers incessantly spouting catch-phrases
• "I care, but I don't care" vibe from Transformer gang feels very emo
• "stop trying to make honor happen OP; it's not going to happen"
• Honor is dead—the remaining gang would have mutinied a long time ago
• Black digital confetti EVERYWHERE
• Lab guy is pulling a Brad Pitt in Ocean's 11 with food constantly in his hand (which is ironic because you'd think he'd have to be in a clean room 99% of the time in order to handle Transformium production
• 2 hours in—Is this movie still going on?  I WANT TO BE DONE!
• Okay—now we're in China
• "Steve" Tucci growing a conscience adds depth to character—good
• Apparently China is a single apartment complex, a manufacturing plant and a dock—no pans, wide shots, or panoramas make me feel like we're shooting in a Hollywood studio
• Indestructible flashy metal on metal
• [It's midnight, I need some gum to stay awake]
• DINOBOTS
• They would never join forces with anyone—but I don't mind, I've been waiting the entire film for OP to ride the T-Rex and slap its metal behind with his sword
• Even more teamwork clichés
• "Everything is awesome," — Lego Movie
• OP actually does the thing that he and Batman aren't suppose to do
• Honor blah blah blah
• "Earth is under my protection." —Dr. Who
• If the Transformers' debt is paid, and they're not wanted, why is OP still fighting for earth? Is this a "Gotham needs me" situation?  No.  Is this an ironic commentary on American Exceptionalism? I wish.

Conclusion: Transformers 4 is not a movie, it's an awesome experience in the true sense of the word, awesome. A saccharine experience in which you're guaranteed to ask at some point, "is it over yet?"  Therefore, I recommend controlling the pace of your viewing experience by renting it at Redbox, then fast forward the entire movie, only slowing down for the Barn scene and the Dinobot scene.

Notable Critiques:

• HULK vs. Michael Bay —Film Crit Hulk
• Understanding Michael Bay —Subtraction
• It Stinks —Badass Digest