Break Up 101: How to End a Relationship With Class

Disclaimer: I wrote this as if I were speaking to myself. If you can transfer anything from it, I'm glad.

Should I Break Up?

Break-ups should never be taken lightly. It's rare to find someone you genuinely care for, and who cares for you too. It's natural to not want to give up on something that is good in so many ways.

Up to this point, you may have only experienced a "gut feeling" that you need to break up. This feeling to move on may be the result of a conscious or subconscious recognition that your relationship and your respective dreams are no longer compatible. What do I mean by this? Dreams are a part of the story you tell yourself that describes what life should be like; they are the engine of your core self — your expectations, your perceptions, your assumptions, your thoughts and feelings about life (including thoughts and feelings about those around you). Before breaking up, it's important to assess whether or not your reality still aligns with your dreams.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to verify what you've been feeling:

• Is your relationship in conflict with your dreams (one or both of you)?
• When did you first notice that the relationship was not quite right?
• When did you begin to wonder what it would be like if you ended the relationship? (Tip: it was probably earlier than you think.)
• What exactly bothers you about the relationship?
• What exactly do you not like about her? Stick to behaviors, not perceived character traits. (Tip: probably keep this to yourself.)
• Have you already made future plans without your partner in the picture?

Bottom-line: Be honest with yourself. Be true to your emotions, and be open with your significant other.

Pre-Break-Up Considerations:

• Choose a local, neutral location to share this private moment.  Possibly walk and talk in a public park. (Tip: Don't do it in a place you visit frequently as it may ruin that place for you.)
• Bring tissues.
• Eat and sleep as healthily as possible in the days leading up to the breakup. You'll want to be in tip-top shape, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in order to articulate your thoughts and feelings.
• Just do it. Don't let the relationship fizzle out "naturally." Don't break up in stages. As soon as you know she is not the one for you, don't ride inertia's wave—break up!  Every day spent together, once you know it's over, can be agony.
• Make plans with friends later that day. Having plans will ensure that the breakup process doesn't drag on longer than necessary. Additionally, you'll have planned emotional support afterward. You can always choose to be alone later if you prefer.
• Consider your partner's feelings. It's easy to get self-absorbed in this emotional kerfuffle. Just be careful not to do or say anything that would make your partner feel bad about themselves.  Bryan's Classy Break-Up Motto: Leave her better than when you found her. (Inspired by the Boy Scout rule, "always leave the campground cleaner than you found it.")
  
  

The Break-Up Conversation:

• This will be a stomach-churning experience. You may not be able to anticipate when or to what extent this break up will impact you emotionally. Just be prepared for a roller coaster ride of emotion.
• Gently initiate the conversation with reasons why the relationship isn't working out. Be kind and considerate, but direct.
• Don't monologue. This is a conversation. There's no need to put her through the history of your decision to break up. She does deserve an explanation, but save her (and yourself) the long-winded reasons of exactly why and how things went sour. Be clear about the fact that you feel the relationship is at an end, but pepper that crystal-clear reality with a significant dose of regret. It's important to let her know that the decision to split up is difficult for you too. (By making this known, you turn your soon-to-be-ex into a friend-in-mutual-sorrow.)
• Let your significant other express their emotions naturally. Don't try to control their emotions or convince them to act/feel a certain way.
• Stay calm. Feel free to fall apart later. But try to remain present. While you can't control your feelings, ideally, you can control how you choose to respond to them.
• Avoid saying anything like: “but,” “maybe,” “if you would only...” What are we doing here? This a break up conversation. The time for evaluation and flip-flopping has past.
• Do NOT tell your partner what you don’t like about her. Not classy.
• Don’t use the dismissive cliché: “It is not you, it’s all me.”  It's healthier to accept that you probably both played a role in what happened. Otherwise, at least one person is likely to keep reviewing the relationship, wondering if they could have done something different to save it.
• Speak compassionately. Express your ideas using “I feel” statements, while avoiding phrases that begin with, “you always/never.”
• Get on the same team by using inclusive statements like, “how would you feel about...”
• You can't be their ex and their support system. No physical affection for 'ol times sake; it causes mixed signals and regret.
• Consider addressing the void that is your future, together. (e.g. Facebook status change, what to say to your friends, guidelines about seeing one another and communication, expectations with their friends and family, etc.) (Tip: To avoid unwanted facebook attention, mask the change of your relationship status by making other profile changes simultaneously, or temporarily change your facebook settings.)
  
  

Post-Break-Up Tips:

• It's going to hurt.  The closer the relationship, the more profound the heartache.  Don't be surprised by the pain.  You may feel one or many emotions.  Acknowledge the type of pain you are feeling (loneliness, anger, despair, etc.) and channel that energy into an appropriate activity.  Use your energy for good!
• Give yourself an undefined (but reasonable) amount of time to deal with the separation. Everybody wants to get over it and move on in the shortest span of time. You need to grant yourself time to recover from the emotions that you feel.
• Discuss your feelings with your friends and family; you need love, and they are the best people to help you out!  Do not allow your thoughts and emotions to fester inside you.
• Consider whether or not you need to say goodbyes to your partner's family and friends.  Write a note (or do whatever you need to do) to step out of their lives on good terms.
• Consider disposing of the keepsakes from your relationship. (Consult flowchart.)
  
  
  
  
  

• Hang on to his/her number, merely for protection and maintenance purposes.  Do not call to chat, or you will inevitably end up back at square one.
• Be optimistic. Sure, your ex was great!  But you can find those same qualities (and even ones better suited to you) in someone new.
• Whatever you do, don't go on an opposite-gender-hating craze; that ain't no good for no body!
• Focus on the bigger picture.  Re-evaluate your life goals.  This will help you positively focus those wistful thoughts.
• Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it's impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? (Tip: Journal writing is an excellent medium for counting blessings and expressing gratitude.)
• Give to others. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others. Focus on the self leads to depression, anxiety and stress. Focus on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment. As much as you might want to, avoid isolating yourself from others. Activities like—exercise, visiting friends, and being kind to those in need—will actually make you feel better.
• Invite God to help you heal.