How to DTR (Destroy the Relationship)

WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO? DO DO I WHAT?!

The girl I've been dating just texted me and asked if she can come over for a "chat," and I'm trying not to freak out. I'm pretty sure I'm heading into yet another breakup conversation. This girl is such a sweetheart, so I shouldn't feel nervous, but my adrenaline is pumping and my mind is racing. I don't have a terrific track record of performing well in high-stakes, emotionally-charged situations like this. It's like I go temporarily insane, unable to perceive anything going on outside of my own wild and disconnected thoughts. Every time try to DTR (define the relationship), it turns into a "destroy the relationship" conversation. 

I AM BAD A BREAKUPS

I am haunted (motivated) by the memory of a notorious breakup I had about ten years ago. As a recently-returned missionary, I lived at BYU's FLSR (Foreign Language Student Residence) and had little-to-no dating experience. At the end of the school semester, I accidentally found myself in a serious relationship with a graduating senior. I think she was hoping that things between us would move forward even after she moved home to Sandy, UT (which I thought was SOOOO far away). She was also probably thinking how bizarre it was that I hadn't kissed her yet. During finals week, it occurred to me that we couldn't continue as we were—a DTR (define the relationship) was imminent. 

I panicked. I wasn't ready for marriage yet. So I berated myself, "how did you allow yourself to let things go so far?!" And "now how am I going to get myself out without hurting her." So, I simply made myself…unavailable, despite her best efforts to make plans to connect. "It'll be easier this way," I reasoned. WORST BREAKUP DECISION OF MY LIFE! I left her high and dry. I still have a hard time forgiving myself. Note: a year later, she reached out via email to express her gratitude for our relationship and wished me the best. Classy! It should have made me feel better to know that her heart was okay, but I think it just made me feel worse. (I didn't reply; I was so ashamed.)

Over the years, I made all the classic blunders. I've surely hurt many more girls' feelings along the way. Some of my go-to tactics included avoiding-them-until-they-finally-give-up on me, or worse, leading them on—simply because I didn't know what I wanted, or literally didn't have the social skills to navigate an emotionally-sensitive DTR, or, ironically, I failed to end things when I was ready to exit the relationship in the vain effort not to hurt them. To illustrate how bad I was at breakups, I offer you this "breakup giraffe" photo I found on the internet.

Yeah, I was really as bad (if not worse) than this.

THE PLAN

Despite a decade of practice, I'm afraid of saying something (or not saying something) that will come off as hurtful. Tonight, if she does want to break up, I want to express my appreciation for the time we spent together, but I'm afraid of freezing up. My dad, an attorney, taught me that "preparation is the key to every successful engagement" (no pun intended). So I'm going to lay out a general model and then script a few specific thoughts to help me navigate the impending breakup. Hopefully, it will help things go more smoothly. The last thing I want is to become the subject of an Adele-esque guitar ballad.

Bryan's Breakup Savviness Model (BSM):

STEP 1 — Crack the Door to the DTR Conversation
The model begins with me asking very specific questions about our relationship potential. If she also sees that we aren't compatible, she'll jump on board with the closure convo. 

STEP 2 — Emotionally Prep Them for My Perspective
If she is content with the relationship, it's my turn to express my feelings of concern.  I begin with clear expressions of gratitude and then share indirect, euphemistic (but heartfelt) metaphors of closure.

STEP 3 — Directly State My Needs
If she fails to catch on, I move on to equally kind, but clear descriptions of where I feel our relationship stands. That should end things (unless the significant other is overly-attached).

STEP 4 — ???
I've actually never needed a step four...but I imagine it would involve me needing to physically protect myself and repeat, "No, means NO!"

The New Break-up Scale: (1 - Adele)

Bryan's Breakup Preparation Worksheet (BPW):

PICK A NEUTRAL LOCATION:

• It takes tremendous courage to initiate this kind of thing, especially on the other person's turf. If I had asked to see her, I would have at least requested "neutral ground" so the setting wouldn't compound the awkwardness of the conversation.

START WITH A BRIEF COMPLIMENT:

• "Hey, can I talk to you about something that has been on my heart?"
• "You are attractive, compassionate, and hard-working; three of the key qualities I look for in the girls I want to date."

DROP THE BOMB. BE SENSITIVE. LISTEN TO HER (PICK ONE FROM BELOW):

• Unfortunately, I don't feel like our dating relationship is working out.
• Now that we've tried dating for a bit, I think it's best that we just remain friends.
• You're a wonderful friend, but I'm just not feeling the dating thing for us.

IF SHE INSISTS ON REASONS, GO AHEAD AND TELL HER WHY IT DIDN'T WORK FOR YOU:

• I felt like I have just been trying to impress you most of the time we have been together, and not my real self.
• I'm looking for someone with whom I can be flirtatious and affectionate (comfortable).
• It didn't feel like we made ourselves available (emotionally) to one another.
• Our communication just wasn't clicking.
• Honestly, I sensed that you weren't all that interested in me, which is okay—that's what dating is all about.

END ON A HIGH NOTE. LEAVE HER FEELING GREAT ABOUT HERSELF.

• You are amazing! It's too bad we didn't work out.  (Laugh kindly and gratefully.)
• You allowed me to offer you service and feel needed—a big deal for guys.  Thank you.
• Believe it or not, I've become a much better texter thanks to you.
• I truly enjoyed getting to know you and your interests.

*The highlighted lines are the ones that resonated most with me after drafting them.

The Post-Breakup Story

Well, we took a short stroll through the park next to my apartment complex. I didn't dilly-dally. After some brief chit-chat, I asked, "what was it you wanted to chat about?" She hummed and looked down at the cement for the words and tugged on her hair—I felt sorry for her. I asked her if she wanted me to guess what she was thinking. She consented. I reviewed our brief relationship history and said that it feels like it has come to an end. She agreed, and that was it—decisive and mutual. The relationship ended in the best possible outcome for me; much more straightforward than how I had extensively planned. But, having prepared something, I went into the conversation with greater confidence, knowing that I had something in mind to say in the event that I needed words. (One of my biggest fears after one of these is leaving the person for whom I care with their emotionally-severed heart in one hand and unanswered questions in the other.) 

In hindsight, however, I wonder if it would have been better to allow her to struggle through the moment herself, instead of rescuing her from the awkwardness.  She was relatively new to serious relationships and I think she could have benefited from conducting the breakup.  If we had a "do-over," I'd like to think I would have had the strength to let her learn on her own (being as supportive and compassionate as possible). If (read: when) I find myself in a similar situation, I'm going to try my best to lean into the emotional discomfort of the moment and allow her that growth opportunity of leading us through the conversation however she wants and I'll report back here.

2013 Update: I waited this time, and I felt good about it.

2022 Update: I just laughed so hard rereading this. I shared it with my wife, and she laughed too. Although I now disagree with a lot of what I have written here, I'm keeping it as a dating artifact of my late 20s and early 30s. I was so confident in my ignorance. The ironic instructional title is the funniest part for me. Also, hashtags weren't a thing yet, and neither was the term, "ghosting".

The two biggest changes I would make to my so-called "model" is 1) making it less ego-centric by making space to listen to and seek understanding around how my significant other is feeling and 2) moving the conversation from a primarily cerebral exercise to a more-emotionally based conversation—let the heart lead. Be authentic. Don't be afraid of not getting things "right." If you care for the other person, there is no getting around the hurt. But if you're upfront and honest with them, you can trust that the other person will be able to take care of themselves. You are responsible for your own actions and feelings; not those of others.